Have I Told You (PUBLISHED)

Chapter Thirty One

Chapter Thirty One

Pag dating ko sa rest house ni tita Berna, hindi na ako nag libot sa beach at nakatulog na agad sa sobrang pagod. Ayoko na rin mag-isip kung babalik siya. Why am I always waiting?

Pag gising ko, nasa tabi ko na si Eisley. He's sleeping quietly beside me, my head resting against his arm and his other arm's around my stomach. I stare at him for too long. "You're back."

My eyes widen when his lips slowly curve up. "Do you really want to stay with me?" he asks.

"Do you want me to?" Patagal nang patagal, kahit gusto ko siyang intindihin, pasakit na rin nang pasakit. Tuwing umaalis siya, nadadagdagan yung sakit. Tuwing naghihintay ako kung kailan siya babalik, unti-unting nauubos yung sarili ko. Patagal nang patagal, nahihirapan na ako maging masaya.

He wraps his arm around me. "I do."

Pero mas mahihirapan ako pag nawala siya. Besides, I should understand him. 

I'm the girlfriend.

I smile. "Let's stroll?"

He nods.

Naglakad kami sa shore, habang magkahawak ang kamay. Hangin, alon, at palaspas ng dahon ng mga puno lang ang naririnig namin. Ni isa sa amin, walang nagsasalita.

"You know... when I was young, I couldn't sleep without my mom beside me." He smiles as he remembers his mom. "She was my comfort zone. Then before sleeping, she'd rub my back." He puts his hand on my back, then gently rubs it. "Like this."

"Geez." I close my eyes, yawning. "I'm suddenly sleepy."

"Tyrese."

I open my eyes, looking at him. "Hmm?"

"Do you really love me?"

Wow, nakaka-insulto naman yung tanong ni kuya. "My God! Tanong ba talaga 'yan? Kasi kung oo, iiwan na kita dito." Na-stress ako.

Nagulat ako dahil tumawa siya. Hala, nabaliw na. "Look up," he whispers. Full moon. It's a super moon. Sobrang ganda.

Habang nakatingin ako sa buwan, hinawakan ni Eisley yung mukha ko at hinalikan. Dahil hamak na mas matangkad siya sa akin, walang ka-hirap-hirap niyang ginawa 'yun.

His kisses are soft and slow, yet deep.

"Eisley." I can't breathe. These emotions are too much. Now I know what Eisley feels. Sobrang over-whelming. Hindi ko maintindihin kung natutuwa ako o nasasaktan o parehas. Literal na mixed emotions.

"If by chance we don't end up together, find someone who won't hurt you; someone who won't make you wait. Most of all, someone who can fight for you." He kisses my cheek as he wraps his arms around me.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"No," he responds. "You're the only reason why I'm still alive. It's just that... I want you to be happy, but I guess, I only bring you pain. I always make you cry. I always hurt you. What if I leave again?"

"If you leave again... I won't wait for you anymore. It means, you don't need me. If you need me, you'll stay by my side. You'll let me take care of you. If you need me... if you really, really love me... and if you care for me, Eisley boy, listen." Nakatulala na kasi siya sa akin. 

Tumango lang siya.

"I'll stand by your side, Eisley. Always. Forever even. Remember that. But, if you leave me again... I don't know anymore... because my heart, to be honest, it's about to burst." I smile weakly. "My heart has limitations. Mas okay na yung bumalik tayo sa dati. Lagi kitang binabantayan, pero hindi ako umaasang tayo ang magkakatuluyan. Tuwing babalik ka, ang saya-saya ko. Kahit di ka mag pakita, buhay pa ako. Maayos yung buhay ko. Ngayon kasi... ngayon kasing tayo na... parang pakiramdam ko aatakihin ako sa puso. I feel vulnerable. You were my happiness. Until now naman, pero ngayon, tuwing mawawala ka at iniisip ko kung babalik ka pa o hindi, triple yung sakit. Natatakot akong mapalitan ng sakit yung pagmamahal ko sa'yo. Natutulala na lang ako kakaisip kung okay ka ba, iniisip mo rin ba ako, mahal mo ba talaga ako... importante ba ako sa'yo. I'm becoming more and more selfish."

Hindi na siya nakasagot. Gusto ko lang naman maging honest sa kanya. Gusto ko rin syempre na maging honest siya sa akin. Hindi ko naman siya ni-re-require mag-explain, sumagot, o mangakong hindi na niya ako iiwan. I just want to know if he's staying for real or he's leaving again.

He's so used to keeping all his problems to himself that he forgets he has me. He'd rather escape from the world than face it with me. I know that, but there's a part of me that hopes he doesn't leave, especially now that I told him what I feel and what I will do when he leaves again.

The breeze is getting colder, so we decide to go back. Naalala kong may ibibigay pa nga pala ako sa kanya. Bumalik ako sa kama na tinulugan ko kanina dahil nandoon yung crochet doll na ginawa ko para sa kanya. Nagulo ko na yung bed sheet pati yung unan, pero di ko pa rin makita.

Ano 'yun, may sariling mga paa yung manika?

Pag tingin ko sa kanya, nakaupo siya sa floor at hawak niya yung crochet dolls na ginawa niya at ginawa ko. Nakatitig lang siya sa mga manika, pero hindi ko mabasa nasa isip niya.

"Na sa'yo pala, eh. Hindi mo sinabi-"

Suddenly, tears roll down his face. Hindi na tuloy ako nakapagsalita. I let him stare at them and think whatever he is thinking. This guy is so unpredictable. He always keeps me guessing. Nagiging curious ako sa kanya lalo kahit ang tagal na namin magkakilala.

"I'm sorry that you have to see me like this." Nakatingin siya sa manikang ginawa niya na kamukha ko. "I'm just really grateful that you're here. With you, I'm not restricted to feel anything. When I'm with you, I feel like I'm allowed to do anything."

"Anong ginagawa mo tuwing nawawala ka?"

"I paint."

"Anong ginawa mo kanina?"

"Binalikan ko siya," he replies. "I talked to my mom for the first time. I closed my eyes and imagined she was in front of me." He closes his eyes. "She was smiling, but she wasn't saying anything. I told her I miss her... I told her to help me accept that she's not coming back. I told her I was scared. I asked her to always show up in my dreams. And... I told her to be happy."

"Look at me," I say.

He slowly shakes his head.

Lumapit ako sa kanya at medyo lumuhod sa harap niya. I kiss his forehead. "Eisley boy, feeling ko naman, masaya na siyang kinausap mo siya. Masaya siya kasi okay ka. Pero mas magiging masaya siya kung masaya ka. Her happiness is your happiness."

Nakatingin naman siya ngayon sa doll na ginawa ko. "Kamukha ko ba 'to?"

I raise a brow. "May gusto ka bang palabasin?"

"Huh?" he asks curiously.

"Pangit ba?"

"No."

"Liar!" I roll my eyes.

"I promise, Tyrese. It's not ugly," he insists. "Just a little bit... funny." He chuckles. Parang okay lang na laitin niya yung ginawa ko basta marinig ko ulit yung tawa niya. Hindi na dapat ako kinikilig. Hindi na ako fangirl niya. I'm his girlfriend! And wala naman siyang sinabing nakakakilig. Ano ba 'to?!

"So, anong difference? You're laughing, because you find it ugly."

"It's funny, because it looks exactly like me." Tiningnan niya ako na parang nanloloko, then he looks at me admiringly. "I want to spend my whole life with you. Let's make your dream come true." He looks so sincere.

"Are you serious?"

He nods. "Grow old with me, Tyrese."