Downward Spiral

Chapter Four (Tyler)

As we left, I kept thinking about why Aleksandra had been ignoring the whole class period and how abnormal it is. She never ignores me; I wonder if something is wrong that she's not telling me.

She says I'm the perfect boyfriend. Although, I don't understand how. I'm ugly as hell and I'm so quiet and secretive that I don't tell her anything. She doesn't even know that she's what's keeping me alive right now. She hasn't seen the marks on my stomach, she doesn't know that I had my death planned out before we got together. She doesn't know how much I hate my life and how unimportant and worthless I feel. No one knows how I feel about anything. Most people even question my love for Aleksandra because I don't know how to show anything and I refuse to tell people how I really feel. I've only told Lizzie how much I love her twice in the almost two years we've been together. She doesn't realize how much she means to me, how beautiful she is, how perfect she is. I don't know how to tell her all of this, anytime I try to tell her anything I always end up pissed and I stop talking to her, which I know makes her upset but I can't help it. Even though I hate making her upset or sad, I can't help it sometimes and it makes me feel terrible.

I've never told anyone about my suicidal thoughts or actions. No one knows that I had planned on stabbing myself with my knife and laying on the floor until I bled out on December 20, 2014. But, Aleksandra had come into my life in the beginning of December and changed everything. She made me happy and she helped me realize that not everyone is a jerk and that there really is a point to being alive. Everyone is here for a reason and there is only one you, there will never be another so you need to live your life as long as you can. You should never give up, the less you give up the stronger you become. Self-harm doesn't make anything better, trust me. I have tons of scares on my stomach from cutting myself every day for roughly a year and a half. You should never ever start hurting yourself because once you start, it becomes an addiction and then you'll feel like you have to do it all the time.

One day I think I'm going to tell her about this, but I don't know if I should. I don't want her to think that I still do it and I definitely don't want her to see my scars either. For now, I guess I won't worry about it so I don't accidentally tell her something she shouldn't know.

Anyways, Aleksandra and I have history now which is our last class together. History is the most boring class ever. All he does is lecture us on historic events in monotone and give us weekly quizzes. I try to sleep in that class, but Aleksandra won't let me. She has only let me sleep like three times in school but that's only because I have troubles sleeping. I've tried medicine that's supposed make you sleep, but it never does anything and my dad and I don't get along so he's not going to do anything about it.

I never understood why my dad always tried to start fights with me. Isn't it pretty bad when you and your son get in physical fights quite often that have to be broken up by your son's girlfriend? I don't know why I haven't just left yet; I have places to go I guess I just haven't gotten the motivation to pack my stuff up and leave. My dad and I have fought since my mom left us ten years ago when I was six. She left only three days before my seventh birthday. I don't know why she left, no one will tell me but I'm guessing she left because of me. Her and dad never fought so I must be the reason she's gone. But, oh well, I've lived this long without her I can live longer. I can live without my dad too; he's never been there for me or helped me with anything anyways. Before I get too far into this subject and get mad at everyone, I should focus on getting through my last class without her.

My last class is just a reading class; I guess that's what you could call it. It's sort of like a book club thing but all we do is read for 45 minutes every day. I'm a super slow reader though so it's taking me forever to finish the Heroes of Olympus series by Rick Riordan, I'm only on the third book which is Mark of Athena. So far, I think it is the best book of the series but I still have two more to read. People have already spoiled some of it for me but not all of it so I'm still going to finish the series.