A Thought or Two

S I L E N T F A R

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Where can I start? I mean, starts do not really exist. Neither do ends. So what is the point in starting, if I never really will?

Just like every other human being, I am made out of little unrelated stories that somehow find a way to connect to each other. I am made out of big chunks of puzzles that do not really belong to anywhere or match with anyone else's. I seem to sort of just exist. Like a cloud in the middle of the galaxy. Wondering around stars and meteoroids with no specific destination. Floating around in everywhere but also in nowhere. I feel lost, but, at the same time, numb to the fact I am lost. Numb to everything around me. Everything is passing by too quickly, I can not stabilize in one place. At first I blamed myself for that. I looked around and realized everyone else is too stable compared to me. I seem to be a shape-shifting machine. I can't find my true shape. I can't love one thing. I can't see one dimension. I can't choose one soul. One one one one; the worst number in the world. Later I realized a shape-shifter will always be a shape-shifter. Maybe this is how it is genuinely meant to be. I shall never see my real face, because I do not have one. I will never see where my heart is, because I do not have one heart. Or maybe, my heart is cut into thousand pieces and scattered everywhere.  

But this is all exhausting me. 

After a long day going around the city, it was around 21:40 and everyone decided to go to a restaurant (Or bar, call it as you wish). We had time till 23:30 to come back to the hostel because they close the doors at 00:00. Although I was feeling tired, I decided to go or else I'd stay all alone.

For some reason, everyone had a lot of loud energy. They were speaking and laughing very loudly all the way to the bar. I didn't understand what they were speaking about, and I didn't really make effort to listen. I was feeling down. I didn't really know why. Maybe the food I have been eating. Maybe homesick. I didn't really know why. Sometimes it happens to me. I feel some kind of emptiness. Not sad, but not happy either. Just empty. I don't feel like laughing, but neither do I feel like crying. Somewhere annoyingly in the middle. Some people asked me if I was okay, and I said I was. Although it was clear that I was not because I was very calm. Did not speak much, but neither did I listen.

Going to the bar was the worst decision I took. When I entered the bar, my head was about to explode. The heaters were on, so I quickly noted the difference in temperature. The bar was very small but packed with people. There were, according to my sudden rough calculations, 250 people in 300 meter squared. There was music being played. Although that helps me sometimes...that time, it didn't really. It actually made me feel even more disorientated. Many, so many people were all talking at the same time. Laughing, shouting, arguing, some babies crying, some children running, and it was like 30 degrees. It was a chaos. I felt very overwhelmed.

I took off my jacket then we ordered some drinks and joined a couple tables together to fit because we were almost 20 people. I could not keep up to all the conversations happening at the same time, and I didn't try to. Normally in such cases I would put on my headphones, but my phone was out of charge.

I got up, suddenly, and moved towards the door. No one asked where I was going, and I could not care less. I went out of the bar and walked to a near bench. In front of the bar, there was a park and a lake. I sat on the bench that was directly in front of the lake. It was very dark; I only saw the reflection of the moon on the surface of the water. I never sat in complete silence before. Usually, I'd have my headphones on. But this time I didn't. I didn't even know what time it was. It was really cold and I forgot my jacket inside, but I didn't move. I loved the coldness I felt. I loved the tranquility. It was very calm, absolute silence. I managed to hear one bird chirping! And that was weird because it was at night. No one was passing by. And the only light around me was coming from the moon and from the bar window far behind.

I don't know how much time I sat there. I was shivering at one point. But I didn't move a muscle. I stayed in my place. Staring off to nowhere in specific. I felt like the darkness around me suddenly changed into words and thoughts and memories. I thought about all the things I had. I did, think of the present, for once. I thought of the future, of all the things I'll do when I go back to Barcelona. I thought about all the important people I had around me. And how life will someday take us into different paths, then I reminded myself that it was okay. I reminded myself that I am important too, that I should stop distracting myself from worrying about my problems. That it was okay to feel down, it is okay to feel weak every now and then.

I must admit, I did feel rather disappointed that no one really asked where I was. Maybe they thought that they should give me space. But the thing is, when I feel bad, staying by my own makes me get worse. Because I over analyze things and I keep repeating thoughts in my mind. Over and over and over. That gets me worse. When I am with people, I am forced to act normal, forced to put the happy mask and I get better eventually. I always 'fake it till i make it'. But that day, my mind was too loud that it reminded me that it didn't really matter.

I entered the bar, back again to the heat and stickiness and noise. I took my jacket and said goodbye. They asked me why don't I stay a little more and I said I was sleepy.

I walked all the way back alone.