Going from a girl who didn't have many guy friends in highschool and having some of my best friends turn out to be guys in college was a big change. The friends I made in college never created a bond that my friends in high school had but regardless memories were made. Just like in any story I naturally started having feelings for my best friend. However unlike many stories unfortunately I wasn't in a tragic love triangle where there was another girl, I was in a love triangle that was way worse. This love triangle was made up of me, him, and a girl no one has ever met to this day. Now I assume that you are very confused, I would be too, the deal is he was getting an arranged marriage, a.k.a. a nice girl chosen by his family for him to spend the rest of his life with. I knew this, he knew this, and yet I had feelings for this guy. The only guy in the world that I wanted but I couldn't have. Remember those road hazards I was talking about, I realized I didn't see the big orange sign in the middle of the road that said "Dont Like Him!" because someone else was still in charge of my love life, and they were horrible drivers. But soon enough I would find that I'm a horrible driver too.
I took control of my love life, well I thought I did. Turns out I actually just bought myself a train ticket and thought I had total control of my love life because I would know when to get off. I started going out with guys that I had no interest spending the future with because I was done having to deal with rejection, and all the nasty baggage that came with it. What I didn't realize was when you're on a train people can choose how long to stay on and sometimes the doors close on you before you have time to get off. That's what happened with this guy, a guy I met over the summer, a simple summer fling but he had baggage that I never thought I wanted to deal with. As the summer went on I had a feeling that I wanted to be the girl to throw all the luggage away. He was in love with a girl he couldn't have and I had liked a boy I couldn't have. We should have been perfect for each other in that sense but along the way we both friend zoned each other, we both got caught up with our emotions and didn't know what to feel. In the end a clean cut was what we both needed to have happier life. But even the most skilled surgeons know there is no cut that is perfect. But this cut was like a surgical students first ever cut, sloppy, jagged, and bloody.
The whole relationship was a tug of war we tried but our emotions just kept us walking away time after time. It never became what either of us hoped, not friendship, not romance. What hurt the most was that I felt I was abandoning a person who needed my help, someone who I cared for. But how could I help someone if it meant that I was getting injured during the process. I wasn't heroic, very few of us are. That doesn't mean I ran away at the first signs of trouble, I stayed, I fought I tried to help. I walked out with battle scars, and realization that I can't help someone before I help myself. I have to be truly satisfied with myself to help others around me be happy. That's exactly what I did.
