Passive Smoking

Chapter 10

Ryder POV

Ceilings, walls above us that some take for granted. The unfortunate out on the streets long for one and the even more hapless envy those who do. For me, they are portals, not into a new world or a different timeline, but to my thoughts. Thinking is what occurs as I look above, and this night I thought of Shay. I felt strange knowing this secret, especially one that I know wasn't easy to share, yet oddly honored.

I wondered what him telling me really meant. He trusted me. The school and city wasn't exactly an accepting one, outcasts common by the fierce battle for popularity. Yet, unlike most, Shay didn't seem to want to use me as a means to get noticed. He genuinely appeared to value our friendship.

And he trusted me

Trust wasn't seen anywhere. Secrets stayed hidden, never shared, and if they did come to light were seen as celebrity scandals. But now I know. I also know why he left homecoming.

He saw the guy he liked dancing with a girl. I can only imagine his crushed feelings. But the only thing I couldn't figure out was who, who could he possibly like? Calvin wasn't at the dance, but that's the only person I could think of when he told me. I decided to sleep everything off. He would tell me who if he wanted to.

***
Coming into school on Monday, the first thing I wanted to do was apologize to Shay. The weekend made me regret what I had done, walking out after I heard his confession.

Those words

It's not a girl. It's a......guy.

I didn't mean to, but at the time, I know I started acting differently around him, as if he were an alien. I just wanted him to know I accepted him, I didn't do that so right the first time. Over the weekend I tried to plan what I was going to say to him, but never really got it down.

Entering math class, I see Shay already at his desk. He looks me in the eye but quickly looks away.

"Hey." I said, sitting down behind him. He turned to face me.

"Hey." His voice croaked.

"I, uh, just wanted to tell you that... I'm okay with... who you are. I know most people here aren't, and I didn't, uh, convey my, um. Approval? So well on Saturday. But I support and accept you." A smile pecked at his lips, but quickly disappeared, his sense of relief disappearing. 

"Thank you. I appreciate that very much." He carried himself coldly and artificially, like a plastic doll.

"Are you okay?" I asked finally. He simply stared at me for a few seconds before clearing his throat.

"I'm fine. I'm just, " he paused." Um, fine. I'm fine." He was obviously lying, but I didn't want to push further.

After class, I chased after Shay again.

"Are you okay?" I repeated. He didn't even look at me this time.

"I'm fine."

"But you're not. And... you can trust me. I would never judge you." He stopped in his tracks, closed his eyes, swallowed hard, and took a deep breath. He opened up his eyes again slowly, as if he expected to be anywhere else but here, and continued walking without a word.

"What's wrong?" I pushed again. No answer. "Shay, please, I-" He cut me off.

"Nothing." His voice cracked. He breathing became heavy, and then he tried to run away. I caught him quickly in two steps.

"Please." I pleaded. "I want to help you."

"Maybe I don't need help. I don't want your ' help '". His tears began to flow down his face. He bit his lip hard and continued. "Maybe you're the problem. Maybe..." he shook his head. "Just leave me alone." He whispered.

I let him go and he ran off. Behind me I felt someone grab my shoulder.

"What was that about?" Cedric asked.

"I... don't know."

"Whatever. Me and Brian are going to the gym. You wanna come?"

"I'll have to pass. But maybe tomorrow."

"Alright bro, see ya." And Cedric left too. Now it was just me, still confused on what just happened.

***

It was around 6 when I got a text from Shay.

Shay

Heyyyyyyyyyyyy u ;) what ya up 2?

His messages were weird. Why was he typing like that? He never types like that.

Ryder

Nothing? Y?

Shay

imm having alotta fun times by alone nd I wanted to no if u culd come over so we culd have fun 2getehr.

Ryder

Um ig? When?

Shay

Pftfftfyt now silly.

Ryder

K?

Shay

Ooooooooooo & bring tem apple Jack.

I didn't know why we was like this, or why I he needed Apple Jacks. But I intended to find out.