Virgin [sʜᴀᴍᴇʀᴏɴ]

VIII

Is it too late to say I'm sorry now?

Justin Bieber

     "-And you'd never want to unwrap all of your presents at once, girls are she devils." Karen droned on whilst she sat opposite of Shawn.

     He swirled his tea in boredom, chin in the palm of his hand as he longed to be back in Cameron's embrace. Yet, at the same time, he did not. He felt it within the pit of his being, he had no other option than to educate Cameron on the topic of his deceitful ways.

     Shawn had pondered things for years, and yet, things had not done the same for him. The truth -as always- was definite, whereas his opinion on the matter had waved consistently throughout time.

     "I understand." Shawn spoke up as means to let Karen know that he was in fact listening as she rambled about the perfect woman for him and what he should look for. He knew what she was up to, his father had to have reserved space for some well-revered family with a beautiful daughter at their dinner table on that particular night.

     Shawn couldn't imagine that his mother would have him up on some semi-wobbly podium in the far back of a tailor's shop at ten o'clock in the morning for any other reason.

     "-And you'll just love Amanda, she's a gorgeous girl, has her merits in-" Shawn wanted to scream out, let her know what he got up to and why he'd never be interested in Amanda Burkley. He wasn't ready though, no matter how devoted his heart was to Cameron.

     He felt as if here were constantly reminded of the things that plagued him as of late. He felt fire in his lungs every once in a while, and he most certainly knew why, but it didn't quite ease all of what he felt. No, in fact, reality scared him.

     And now he figured that he had more than just his issues to deal with. There was the problem of Aaron and his subsequent enigma that -for whatever reason- Shawn had yet to discover the depth of.

    "Yes mother, I understand." Shawn said, only wanting her to stop her chatter. The tailor had been swift in taking Shawn's measurements, measuring tape strung around the boy's neck before it was ripped back, and then along the length of his leg and so on.

    It had seemed as of late that Shawn's mornings had bore no other choice than to disintegrate into evenings at a rather clipping pace. Before he knew it, he was out of his home at the most ungodly hour of the night, rid of his parents and Amanda Burkley who -if you asked him- was much different than he had interpreted and settled in Cameron's car, well on his way to Apartment F on floor twelve.

     Tonight, Shawn could say, he had no idea what the agenda would be. He did not know you certainty if Cameron was going to mount him on a wall and treat him like a hammer did a nail. If he was going to drain the boy like a motorised vehicle did petrol. If there was going to be more to them than intimacy. If he would have the courage to come clean.

     Maybe -Shawn thinks- Cameron could have chosen a better time to begin outlining his contributions for Wednesday's Bible study. If Shawn was to wash his hands of the ordeal, he would have to do so quickly, and in confidence. He had already lost so much, he was sure to lose more.

     Shawn would say that none of his life had been connecting as of late. He couldn't remember how this tied into that, or how he'd found himself here or there. He didn't know when Cameron had pulled him into his lap and chucked his notes.

    Shawn blamed himself though, he hadn't been present as of late. He hardly remembered his mum's speech about Amanda Burkley. It was as if his being had studied detachment from emotional object permanence when Cameron wasn't involved.

     Just as Cameron extrapolated a fortnight's sleeps before, Shawn had figured that Cameron wanted more than his lips. He could tell by the way that his hands touched him; like it all was more than just sinful.

     He -Cameron- lost his breath rather quickly, and maybe that's because he had done all of the work. Shawn couldn't quite lose himself in the moment, and so he worked like a rag doll, when Cameron laid back, he didn't take control like he normally, did, but rather, kissed him like it could speak words.

     Shawn had to stop him, when his hands found their way to his belt buckle; before things got too out of hand. "I've lied to you." Shawn declared, firm, sounding almost trapped in his throat, though it had escaped.

     Cameron furrowed his brow, setting Shawn aside from his and looking into his eyes. "What about? That Vespucci kid? Cause' I swear if he did anything I'm going kick his Roman Catholic a-"

"I'm seventeen." And Cameron calmed himself, his face still drowned in confusion. It reminded Shawn of a child thinking that he had a spectacular Christmas present in store for him, only to receive a pair of socks. What was it Shawn pondered; irritation, anger, disbelief? DISAPPOINTMENT! That was it, and for the first time in his life, Shawn felt awful about disappointing.

     "Shawn...I-I." Cameron stuttered, attempting to maintain his composure. "Shawn I don't think you realise the gravity of this. I-do you realise how serious this is? That your parents could come after me for this? Do you know what they could do to you, to us? Shawn, I did things with you, things I shouldn't have when you weren't legal. And yeah, it was all great and lovely then, but what about now?" He couldn't hold back.

     Shawn had played the moment out in his head before. He'd imagined it to have been better. No he hadn't, in fact, that was just another lie that he'd told himself in hopes that it'd all be fine, but where was he? His eyes were river banks with broken damns and his heart felt as though it had burned up within his chest.

     "I'm sorry. I know it's not enough, but I'm sorry for being so selfish that I couldn't wait for the right time, I'm sorry that I put you in a situation. I thought that I had it under control when really, I didn't I was just taking things day-by-day with the assumption that everything would be all right. I don't expect for you to accept that. Hell, I don't even expect for you to want me anymore, but I-just know that I'm sorry." Shawn muttered the last bit.

     "I think that you're crazy to think I'd leave you. Shawn, I love you; you know that." Cameron sighed whilst running his hands down the extent of his face. "I think I just need a bit of time to get my mind right."

     Inwardly, Shawn sighed. He didn't want Cameron to leave him, but he would not have blamed the man if he had. He had put both of them in a rather sticky situation that could have only gone downhill if he allowed it to persist into exposure.

     Shawn figured that maybe the soul shaking sobs were more of a thing for isolation. He couldn't stop himself, crying until he couldn't quite breathe and sending hellish pains at the epicenter of his beings.

     He had fallen apart. 

X, Dallas.

P.S. Merry (early) Christmas, one time for Hanukkah and yay for a Boxing Day! See you all next time!