Honey

Part 1

I exist between two worlds. Wandering through dreams of moments past. Gliding through cold days one after the next. I'm caught. I am fragile. I am weak. 

I'm standing in front of my mirror and I don't recognize myself. "Who are you?" my reflection whispers to me. I'm freezing cold, shivering as if I'm in a draft. But there are no vents, no open windows. 

"Juliet?" a familiar voice calls. "Juliet, are you up there?" I tear my eyes away from their own reflection. Big brown orbs popping out of my skull and seeing into galaxies. Footsteps approach and my door knob jiggles. "Juliet, why is the door locked?" My mom asks. I inspect the places where my skin has been hastily sliced under the waistband of my underpants. Little beads of blood blossom from the skin and then when they become too heavy drip down like crimson tears. Her footsteps retreat and I throw on my jeans, leaving them unbuttoned and throw myself into bed. She returns with the key and unlocks the door in two seconds flat, barging in to find me sleeping, mouth open, hand draped over the side of the bed. 

Deep breaths Juliet, I think and will my eyelids not to flutter. My mom sighs heavily and the floorboards squeak as she makes her way over to me, pulling the blankets balled up at the foot of my bed over my still body. 

When she leaves I open my eyes once more and stare at the ceiling. 

Is this real? Am I really here? I think I can smell death hanging in the air and I have to switch  to breathing out my mouth. 

My phone lights up from where it is stationed next to my bed. I roll over and pick it up. Are you coming to school tomorrow?

I delete the conversation and put my head in my pillow. If I go to school tomorrow, they will hug me. I hate when they hug me. The concerned friends and aquaintances will pat my back and tell me "It'll get better. Everything always gets better." Fuck better. In fact, I feel nothing. I am numb. My skin is ice, my tongue is a brick, my feet are blocks of steel. I am nothing, I feel nothing. Fuck better. 

I slowly rise from my bed and walk out of the room. Downstairs, Jazzy barks pleasantly, completely unaware of the loss in the family. The noise startles me slightly and I bump the railing, my hip throbbing faintly, but I don't mind. I lower myself onto the steps and listen to Jazzy barking and my dad crying and my mom's silence. Her office door is closed. She's been working non-stop recently. Even when she's home, she's holed up in there clicking away on her computer. I pass my phone back and forth from hand to hand, watching the screen. 

At last it lights up.

Juliet? I click on the message from Nate and stare at it. The three dots appear and then disappear. I know you got my message, he says and I lick my lips nervously. I just want to know when you're coming back. I miss you. 

"I'm numb," I whisper to myself. 

my mother thinks i shouldn't talk to you. I type. I press send and scoot down one step. 

He replies instantly, You didn't tell your parents we were seeing each other. 

I scoot down another step, contemplating. maybe i don't want to see you. 

That isn't true either.

i'm coming back in a few more days, I say. Finally giving in. 

Good, it's for the best. I close my phone down and scoot down the rest of the steps until I come face to face with Jazzy. She nuzzles her face into my neck and I take a deep, gasping breath. I even sniffle, trying to make the tears come, but none come to my eyes. I am left feeling cold and empty, Jazzy in my lap, licking the taste of iron off my fingers.