All There Is

Guilt

AU: I'm so sorry I haven't updated in forever. I got writer's block and then I figured that no one read this and liked it anyway so why complete it? Anyway, I am dedicated to finishing this because I love this story and what's in store. Please bear with me. As always comments and feedback are encouraged. If you like it, I'll continue. 

After what was quite possibly the busiest day Tom had ever had in his life, he was finally able to sit down at home at half past eight. Emma had left long ago before he even got home and she had left a short note on the counter:

I meant what I said Tommy, you need to take some time off. Sarah said the same thing.

Oh, and call mum sometime this week. She misses you.

It was like he was in the middle of a sister sandwich; one above and one below. He made a mental note to call his mum tomorrow or mostly likely the day after. He knew that if he didn't Emma and Sarah would not leave him alone until he did. Sarah wasn't as bad as Emma, but when the two came together bad things happened and usually to him. He sighed and laid the note down on the table in front of him. Closing his eyes he leaned back in the chair while he tried to calm all the thoughts running through his head of everything he had to do; arrange the trip to Chicago, call to reschedule a reading with whats-his-face. Only for a moment did he have some quiet when his phone rang. "Go away!" He told it, but of course it kept ringing. He answered and hastily got through a conversation that he half listened to you. As soon as he ended the call he turned the phone off. He wanted to be alone tonight.  

He turned on the telly, flipping through the channels not bothering to really pay attention to any of them. He decided that he should just go to bed, so he changed out of his clothes and into a tshirt and more comfortable pants. He was about to crawl into bed when he decided to do some research before bed. He padded down the hall and found his laptop and carried it back with him. He settled down into bed and opened the laptop. He tried to remember the name of the art gallery that was hosting the exhibition. Ah, he thought, Bridgeport. He typed that into the search box along with Chicago and clicked on the place's website. From what he saw he figured this wouldn't be a bad trip. He liked traveling and was up for anything. It's when people forced him to do things, when he got ansy. He scrolled down the page and found an article about the exhibition. He read through it, saw a couple of names that he recognized that were said to be there and decided that he was excited to be going. This won't be bad, only a night or two and then I'll be back home in time for South Korea. It'll all work out, he thought. He was just about to shut the computer off when he saw face. A face he recognized in a way that made his stomach churn. No, it can't be... He clicked on the image and it was enlarged. She was in a group of five standing tall and all smiling professionally. He read the caption: "Bridgeport Art Center is proud to announce the event managment staff that will organize the International Exhibition this September. Leading the staff is Olivia Brooks along with Cherise Wilkes." 

Olivia...

She had stayed in Chicago? She never left? Even after he- God. He shut the lid to the computer and laid in on the floor. She was still there? He suddenly felt like he couldn't breathe. He pushed sheets off of him and sat up. I can't do this, I can't risk going back. He reached for his phone to call Luke and back out, but then remembered that he turned it off and left it in the living room. No, you don't need to cancel. Odds are you won't even see her. It's been eight years, she's moved on and you have to. He told himself. These feelings he was having weren't  love, it was just guilt. He still felt bad about how it all ended. It's been eight years, you've both matured since then, he rationalized. He reached over and turned off the lamp and crawled back under the sheets and laid there in the darkness. Thoughts ran wild and refused to give him rest. I can still go, we probably won't even meet and that'll be it. It's been eight years, that's a long time and things have changed. And if I do see her I'll just act like an adult and that'll be that. She probably wouldn't even recognize me now. He thought back to her picture, she did look a little different, but she was still the same. Her hair was shorter and a little darker but her face hadn't changed a bit. She still had the same milk chocolate eyes and the scar along her forehead where she cut her head in a car accident when she was 14. Same old Livy. He smiled to himself amidst the dark. He had to admit that she beautiful still, especially her smile. He closed his eyes, rolled over onto his side and fell asleep. 

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He woke up with a shock and looked at the clock next to the bed. It was 1 A.M. He sat up and turned on the lamp. Running his hands over his face, he tried to shake what he had just seen. The dream had felt too real. The feelings exactly how they were that day and her tears were all too vivid. He took and deep breath, then let it out. "I'm so sorry Olivia." he said to no one but himself in a whisper.  He stared at the wall in front of him for a moment before turning off the lamp and lying back down. He tried to sleep, but sleep would not come, so he laid all alone. Just him and the memories that liked to play out in his head like a movie. A movie he couldn't bear to watch anymore. It was too painful.