Dogface: I don't want to get all Hallmark card on you, but you're my best friend. We've beenthrough so much together. You know me better than I have ever let anyone know me. You'rethe first person I've ever met who understands me, who thinks the way I do, who gets me.Am I crazy? Am I wrong? Because... you're important to me.
If you just aren't attracted to me... I could understand that. I know you can't choose who youwant, you can't control those feelings. The heart wants what the heart wants. If we couldchoose... then I could stop wanting you. I know it doesn't work like that. So, if you just don'tlike me that way... but, you do, don't you? You must. I mean, at least a little? You can't findme too repulsive, you're the one who kissed me...
Did I do something wrong? I mean, was I not... good? Was I too easy? Was I supposed toplay hard to get? I don't know how to be coy and play games. No one ever explained therules to me. All I know how to do is be honest. And you said that was something you lovedabout me.
Is it... are you ashamed? Is that why you're pretending like it didn't happen? That's it, isn't it.You're ashamed. Right. I mean, who wouldn't be ashamed to be with me? I'm Dogface. Youcan fuck Dogface behind closed doors, but you can't introduce her to your friends. You can'tbring her home to meet your mom.
You said... you're not ready. Is anyone ever ready for their life to change? How do you expectto learn anything? We'll make all kinds of stupid mistakes and feel like idiots and - welcometo the human condition! Trial and error, it's the only way to learn. No one's ever ready.
You said... you don't want to get serious. But how am I supposed to act casual aboutsomething this intense, this rare? You're the first person to see me - how can that not be a big deal? Look at me. How many chances am I going to have in life? I think I could love you.I think you could have loved me.
And if I'm crazy, then I'm crazy. If I'm wrong, then, okay, I'm wrong. But if I'm right, andyou're just too chickenshit to deal with the possibility of something real and rare anddangerous and life-altering, then... then I'm not even sure I would want to love someone sostupid!
(Beat.)
I think I finally understand why they say that you "lose" your virginity. I always thought thatwas a dumb expression. It makes it sounded like your virginity was this special, sacred thingyou were supposed to guard with your life. When to me... the fact that I'd never had sex waslike... a flashing neon sign saying, "Ugly loser" hanging over my head. I was trying to "lose"it. Hell, for a couple of years there, I was trying to throw it at anyone who gave me a secondlook.
But now, I mean... I do feel like I have lost something. Not my purity or innocence or any ofthat... dogmatic bullshit. I've lost... the walls I built to protect myself from feeling... this. I'velost the ability to distance myself from the rest of the lowly humans... my position of self deprecatingsuperiority that let me live without hope for all those years...
I lost my isolation. I let you in. And I gave you the power to hurt me.
See, I want to be a cat. Because... most cats are very independent creatures. They can bedomesticated, but, for the most part, they don't really act like pets as much as they act likecaged predators. They fend for themselves. And sometimes, sometimes, when they want youto give them a little affection, they crawl into your lap, and they purr, and they let you petthem, and love them. And then, after a little while, they get sick of you, and they scratchyou, and they jump up and they run away. Cats are fierce. Cats get what they need fromyou, and then they just move on.
I'm not a cat. I'm a dog. Dogs are not independent. Dogs love you, pretty muchunconditionally. They are so loyal, it defies all logic. Dogs need you, and they let you knowthat they need you. They need you to love them. They cry when you leave in the morning,and they jump for joy when you come home at night. They always want your attention. Theycan't get enough of your love.
I don't want to be a dog. But I am. I think I always will be.
Kellie Powell
