Kisses in the dark // phan

-Part Three-

Dan Howell

I got home and showered. As the hot water tried to drown me, I made it even hotter.

I've ruined everything.

I can't believe I could be so stupid!

He still kissed me back though.

That was the best feeling in the world, I wish I could wake up everyday to kisses from Phil Lester.

I want him to be with me, but he is straight, as far as he knows.

I wonder if he realizes he kissed me back, does he just think I kissed him and out of natural instinct he kissed me back? Or maybe he doesn't even think he kissed back.

Things are going to be so awkward tomorrow, I've ruined our friendship forever.

Is there anyway to fix it?

I could ignore him, but that would pain him and myself. I could pretend nothing happened, but that's a plan B option. I think I should just tell him about my feelings. Or I could lie my ass off, yeah I think I'll do that. I've always noticed Phil, like a shiny star in my dull world.

But now my world is black because he didn't just strip the colour and life from it,

He turned off the lights, leaving me alone and broken in the pitch black waiting for any type of monster to gobble me alive. I ran my hands over my face then made the water hotter.

When I'm all alone, I'm cold.

I started thinking hard about Phil. How it would feel to have his hands on my body, how it felt to had his hands jammed in my hair, how it would feel to have him fucking me so hard and so incredible that I scream.

I stayed in the shower longer then I predicted. Stroking myself was always a pleasurable but thinking about Phil made it so much better.

I moaned loudly releasing into my hand.

"Phil, I wish you were gay" I mourned to myself cleaning my body off for the second time and stepping out. I stared at myself in the mirror.

I hope Phil knows that he still means a lot to me.

Even if I say it or not.