Mess

01

I was hopeless.

I was a lost case.

I always have been.

Ever since I was young, my family always had problems paying their bills on time, considering their jobs weren't very high end. Due to that, we never really had anything popular at the time. Anything in style wasn't what we would get. What got what we got and we wouldn't complain and I never did. I was thankful for what we got and I always thanked my mother when she would do the simple things. But... things have changed. My family still loves me and cares for me constantly, making sure I have food on my plate and clothes on my back. Even when I came out, they still loved me and made sure I felt loved but.... other people didn't take it as well as they did.

My parents were highly respected people in that town. My father was a preacher and my mother was part of the woman's ministry. They took it well, but others didn't. I was condemned and shunned from the rest of my town. It was like no matter where I went, I was a disappointment. Everybody knows everybody here. That's why so many people knew about it so fast. Everyone knew how to communicate to others and when I came out as gay, it was all over the place. Everyone hated me and told my family I was a disappointment, which they never believed. They always stood up for me and took me places, making sure I was alright, but what they couldn't see was that I was breaking on the inside. Panic attacks struck me at night, I would sob for hours at a time, my arms were filled with scars that I regret, but I can't help it. Cutting relieves the pain and it's like a high.

I got a job on my 15th birthday and began saving my money. I worked every chance I could. When I wasn't home or at school, I was working. I only had the occasional Sunday off, but that was alright. It kept my mind busy so I wouldn't think about all the pain I was going through. I saved up 1000 dollars eventually, which was today. I grabbed a small suitcase, stuffed in my best and warmest clothes, and I left with my phone-which I had gotten and pay for with my own money, my clothes, my money, toothpaste, and a toothbrush. I had no sense of direction, but I had to get away from all of the disappointment. All of the pain. All of the suffering. I had to get away. And this was the only way I was going to be able to do that.

***

I watched as cars whizzed by. I had been walking for days and I was starving. I needed some type of food. I should have grabbed some water and food, but I didn't have much time. My parents would be out there looking for me and I couldn't let them find me. I wanted them to have a better life and this was the only way that it was going to happen. I am going to contact them. I just need to find something to call with. I looked around me and saw a grocery store. My phone was dead and I needed a charger. I will go in there, buy a charger, charge it on the outlet which I saw was right on the end of the store.

I quickly went inside and bought it, holding my breath that this girl wouldn't notice me. My parents would have put something out at this point, knowing them. Flyers would be all around and they would have called the news too. I also grabbed some water and food. I sat by the end of the store and forced myself to only eat half of a granola bar and drink a quarter of the water I got. I sat there for a while, working up the courage to call. And eventually, I did. As my phone went to my ear, I sucked in a shaky breath. I was terrified.

"Mitchy baby? Where are you?" My mom frantically answered immediately.

"Mommy." I gasped, tears immediately falling down my cheeks. "Mommy, I can't come back home. I just can't."

"Of course you can baby boy! We will do everything to make it right again! We'll make those mean people leave you alone! I promise! Please come back home! We miss you so much!" My mother sobbed to me through the phone. "Where are you baby boy? Please tell me where you are!"