Why Me? || p.jm

Chapter 33: Change Of Mind

(Jimin's POV)

In class, I couldn't focus at all. All I could think about was Eunji. My tired eyes couldn't stay open as I had stayed up all night arguing with myself over what I was going to choose.

After some time, I had finally made up my mind, and I decided I was going to let her go.

I shut my eyes so tight it hurt almost as much as my heart. I tried to remember the feeling I had as I played the piano earlier this morning. I was calm and content, it felt like how it used to be, before I met Eunji again. Before I had all these problems. I thought about it, and even with Sohyun being a bully, she really was a nice girlfriend. I just didn't see it.

I hadn't seen it before and now it's too late. I wouldn't say it out loud yet, but I miss her. Sohyun. Jung Sohyun.

The name sounding so smooth, so graceful. I miss her. I didn't care to see how much she needed me. She was a bully, but if I had stayed with her, then maybe it would have been different. Maybe if I gave her the attention she needed without all the faking, if it was all real, attention. Then maybe she wouldn't have been so mean. Maybe she would've changed because she finally had someone who loved her. That's all she wanted. I knew that. And I never did anything about it. I didn't care.

And now... it's too late. I can't go back to those times where she'd message me evey morning telling me how much she had loved me, or when I came to school, she'd always find me and call out my name. I thought it was fake, and dramatic, just to make other girls jealous. I didn't see just how true she actually loved me. I didn't see behind that bullying tone, she was relying on me. She was calling out to me for help. She was insecure, and put up a front to protect herself. Whenever I had hurt her feelings, I could see the hurt, but she would hide it with anger because she was scared of letting other see just how weak she was. Of all the people she had in her life, I was the one she had a ray of hope for. I was the one she'd hope would love her, and listen to her, and be there for her. But even I didn't do that. I didn't care.

That's why. That's why I want Eunji to go. I just might hurt her to. I'd hurt her more than anyone else could in a spot where it would kill her. I don't want to do that. I want her to be happy. If I stayed with her, then I would be disappointed in myself. I can't be with her. She's too special for me. I'll just make it harder for her. She has to go and find someone else who isn't as awful as me. Someone who will make it easier for her, someone who will be there for her without any hesitation, unlike me.

My bit my lip.

I am such an awful person. I disgust my own self.

"Are you okay Jimin?" My eyes shot open at the sudden hand I felt grab my shoulder. I looked up to see the teacher. I looked around to see everyone looking at me, mumbling to each other. "--uh yeah, I'm fine." I bowed my head as she looked at me and continued walking around the class, talking. "We only have 10 minutes left, so I expect you to be working diligently until the bell. If you have questions, please ask, that's how you learn." She said, monotone.

I forgot where I was, the whispers of other classmates hadn't been there before. The noise of paper flipping and the sound of pencil writing on paper wasn't there before. It had felt like I had teleported here out of my own thoughts. I opened up my book, and tried my best to work. The last thing I needed was to get behind on school work.

When the bell rang, I sprang up from my seat, grabbed my things and bolted out the door. My plan for today was to keep a low profile. I wasn't in the mood to talk or even associate with anybody at all.

I kept my head down and stayed in contact with the wall as I sped-walked all the to my next class.

(Eunji's POV)