Babysitting the Gallagher Boys

4: Pimpin'

Walking into the kitchen, I find Mason holding Nico in a tight and very painful-looking headlock. Nico has tears running down his face. Sad. Wait, what am I doing?!

“Mason! Let him go!”

At the sound of my voice, Mason jumps and Nico quickly scrambles out of reach and hides behind my legs. I kneel down on the floor and hug the sobbing eight-year-old standing behind me. He throws his arms around my shoulder, and I rub his back soothingly. When he has calmed down, I stand and look at his attacker.

“Mason,  why were you giving Nico a headlock?”

He scowls, and says, “He was being a dick.”

Chuckling, I say, “Mason, he doesn’t even have a dick, so I doubt he can be one.”

From across the room, Nico pipes up, “I do too have one! Payton showed me where it is!”

I look at Mason and burst out laughing, while Payton walks into the room.

Nico leaps up from his chair, and scurries over to Payton.  His little fingers grasp to buttons on his Payton’s jeans, trying to undo them.  

“Show them, Payton! Show them were your dick is, ‘cause Autumn doesn’t believe I have one! Show them were it is like you showed me!”

Payton, looking alarmed, picks Nico up and holds him in front of his face.

“Nico,” Payton says, looking him in the eye, “We don’t undo people’s pants.” Then, he smirks at me and adds, “Well, unless they’re Autumn’s pants. That’s fine.”

I glare at him, and say, “Actually, Nico, we don’t undo anybodies pants.”

Nico nods at me and says, “Except yours.”

“Wha-what? No!”

Payton stands there looking smug, and I try to convince Nico to change his mind, but its set.

Mason, look amused, stands up and says, “I need to be at soccer practice, like, right now.”

I grab my keychain from the counter, and sigh. “I’ll take you.”

Mason sarcastically does the cross on his chest, and Payton snickers.

“Just come on.”

We walk outside and around the house to where my Porsche Cayenne Turbo is parked.

“Whoa, sweet car!”  He gets into the passenger seat and settles in, pushing all kinds of buttons.

The radio suddenly turns on, blasting Tipsy by J-Kwon.

“Yes! Mason screams and starts singing,

“1, here comes the 2 to the 3 to the 4,

Everybody drunk out on the dance floor,

Babygirl ass jiggle like she want more,

Like she a groupie and I ain’t even on tour,

Maybe cause she heard that I rhyme hardcore,

Or maybe cause she heard that I buy out the stores”

He starts grinding in the leather seat, and picks up again at the chorus.

“Now er’body in this  bitch gettin’ tipsy

           “Now er’body in this bitch gettin’ tipsy”

I quickly shut the radio off, and say, “So, you like rap, huh?”

Mason shrugs modestly and says “I’m a lil’ bit ghetto, fo’ shizzle.”

Not knowing if he was serious or not, I just nod and search for my CD collection.

Not being able to find it, I search for my old green iPod nano that had all 7,530 of my songs on it. I found it in the sunglasses compartment and hand it to Mason, who plugs it into the stereo.

“Pick whatever you want.”

He grins and starts scrolling through the songs.

I suddenly get an awesome idea.

“Hey, Mason? We’re gonna have some fun on the way to soccer practice.” I dig out my black sunglasses from the seat pocket, and slip them on.  Then I put on a flat-brimmed cap and tuck my hair inside it.  I hand Mason a set of fake grills that actually look pretty real.

“Whenever someone looks at you funny grit your teeth and do a head-nod. Okay?”

Mason nods, still scrolling through my songs. I roll down the windows and turn the volume knob up to whatever wont blow our eardrums out. That’s when I hear the familiar beginning of a former favorite song.

Shawty wanna thug

           Bottles in the club

           Shawty wanna hump

           You know I like to touch

          Your lovely lady lumps

She-she lick me like a lollipop

She-she lick me like a lollipop

“Yes!” I cry.

Mason laughs.

Well roll out of the driveway in the car that has now been dubbed ‘pimp-mobile’.