While We Were Lost

The Beginning of an End

I felt it. I felt it differently this time. The touch of his hand on mine. It used to be comforting and made me feel pleasant, but now I'm not sure what to make of it anymore. I haven't been able to look at him hardly. I know it seems rude and just, cruel but there was something now that made me so uncomfortable. He's changed and everything he says is right ,and if I thought differently it was simply unacceptable. It had crossed my mind "Do I really love him?", "Is this how I should be treated?", "Am I enduring unnecessary distress because of this man?".... As these questions would rise in my mind I would be quick to counter them with other thoughts. I thought I needed him. I thought I was worthless by the way I treated him. Maybe I was not doing these things right. Maybe I just kept making foolish mistakes and that's why he's always upset with me.

"What's wrong?" He questioned as I smoothly glanced away as he touched my hand, wincing in the uncomfortable feeling. "Nothing darling." I lied, as him asking that made me feel guilty and scolded. "Are you sure?".... "yes of course I'm sure"...."okay I trust you".

I could feel the irony as he stated that he trusted me after almost daily assuming that I was disloyal to him.

Constantly every hour I would hear "Are you okay" "are you upset with me" "are you lying to me". I wondered if this was a normal and healthy stage couples went through when, I knew the answer was "no" in the shadows of my thoughts.

I just wanted to have a nice laid back relationship where we could go a whole day without him getting upset and I, as expected having to come to his aid.

As I was sitting next to him I couldn't help but think of Jandey. My mind was flashing from the now, and my deep thoughts and flashbacks to my dream the night before about Jandey.

Jandey was a friend of mine and Philgon's, he was in fact the mutual friend that introduced me to Philgon... which eventually led to the relationship of mine and Philgon's.

As my lover sat with me in the meadow I tried to ignore the thoughts of my dream of Jandey but couldn't seem to do so. I was flooded with unpleasant emotions in my heart all at one moment; guilt, regret, confusion, fear, discomfort, loneliness, anxiety... I couldn't handle this any longer. With a sharp cry I ripped my hand away from his grasp and ran to the river. Just as Philgon was running towards me I stood in the water, and as a tear escaped from my eye I made the rest of myself as water and let the river carry me away. I felt at this moment there was no other place for me but in the water. At least not for a while, a long while.