Short stories/Poetry

I used to have a friend...

Author's note: I apologize if this lacks much structure or plot, I just wanted to let it out and tell somebody about this sadness which I shouldn't feel. Anyway, this is a bittersweet true story about a friend I used to have.

I used to have a friend.

I knew him for 7 months but he left a bigger impact than some I've known for years. He smashed his way into my life, creating a space just for him where others had barely scratched the surface

I sat next to him in German class. We did the work laughing and playing.

Somehow it seemed to be flirting

And somewhere along the way

He fell for me

But I was still stuck on the top of a cliff

And I was too frightened to jump.

He never mentioned it to me. But I felt it. The silent, grating glances; the unspoken touches that lasted just a little too long and how he talked to me as if I was the only girl in the world.

And the only one there would ever be.

But I-

I was oblivious and heartless. I can't tell which attribute was worse.

He was a friend to me

We talked about books

We joked and laughed

We playfully fought- I slapped him in the face and he did it too, insulting each other, swearing profusely in fluent Deutch we'd learnt specifically for this purpose. Smiles not just on our lips.

But on our eyes.

And then one day, one awful wonderful day

His other friend appeared.

It seemed that stares had seemed too heartfelt, and touches seemed too delicate and his evident attraction to me was too loud.

And yet I still hadn't heard.

But she told me, cruelly, ridiculing my friend- that he fantasised about sex and vulgar things like that when truly he was a nerdy boy who'd never been kissed.

Neither had I

But I blushed and acted disgusted for all my other friends to see, hiding the true emotion that I was flattered.

I wouldn't tell him I knew.

The tentative friendship we'd formed was far too precious to me.

But she ruined it

She told him that I knew

And he looked at me

Fearful and hopeful, each emotion clashing in his eyes like a fictional battle.

And my eyes whispered is it true?

And his eyes replied yes

And his mouth muttered what did she tell you?

And I screamed out everything

But it only came out

As a nonchalant word

When inside my head it had been heartfelt and romantic because I care for him

And? The terrible hope returns and my heart swells up

I could make him happy

And I open my mouth

And-

And-

I broke him...

Brought my hands to his chest and forced his heart out, tearing it apart and smashing it to smithereens.

I used to have a friend who fell for the wrong person. Who was innocent and childlike, young and pure.

Who I ruined.

Bruised with my harshness, scarred with my cruelty and loved with the darkest chambers of my heart.

Because perhaps I did love him

But perhaps he deserves something better.

I don't see him anymore.

We've all moved on.

He takes French instead of German

And he's not in my English class.

I don't know if he still reads books.

I don't know if he still thinks of me anymore.

I hope he doesn't.

But what I do know, is that he was a boy who would stay

He'd covered himself in sticky tape and stuck himself down.

And then my school days revolve around books and friends and him.

And soon I'm searching every lost face for him

Because perhaps the simple truth is not that I love him back. I don't know. I don't know if I ever will.

But I miss the boy who talked to me as if I was one of the guys. One who was nice and funny and even laughed at my jokes.

I miss him.

And that's what's saddest, because I'm not supposed to. I should be fine with it. He wasn't meant to mean this much.

But still I look, everywhere, as if I'm searching an endless abyss of darkness to find one speck of light.

And then finally I find it. Find him.

I see him in the hallway and he smiles.

I smile back.

Our eyes meet

But somehow it's not the same

Maybe it never will be

And we keep on walking and my heart splinters inside. Not because of love or crushes or any other unadulterated crap.

But because of friendship

Because he's my friend. He was my friend.

And I miss him.

So I keep him trapped in the awful labyrinth that is my heart, for evermore.

And I hope that someday he escapes.

And I hope that he's happy.

Because I loved him, truly

But now he's just a memory.

Just a friend I used to have.