does your stomach hurt? // philkas

chapter five

It's so important that you read this author's note.

TRIGGER WARNING - SELF HARM

not quite sure why i decided to write this, my heads just been really messy and i needed a way to express myself. i apologize.

if you would like to skip through the self harm part, read down to LUKAS' POV i'm sorry.

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PHILIP'S POV - 11:49 PM

I don't know why I feel this way. I don't know why I hate myself so much. I don't know what I did to make everyone hate me. Everyone hates me so fucking much, I'm starting to hate me too. My life is falling apart. They took me away from my Mom, my everything, my safe place. I can't even see her without the chance of losing her forever. Only a couple more months until I age out, then they can't say shit. Oh god I wish I could just age out.

I don't wanna be here anymore. I don't wanna be anywhere anymore. I don't know where I wanna be. All I know is that in this specific moment in time I don't want to be alive. It hurts to breathe. Is that even possible? It literally hurts to fucking breathe. It hurts to think. Everything fucking hurts. I want it to end, I want it all to end. It needs to end. Why can't it all just end? Please, let it end.

Squeezing my eyes shut to the point it began to hurt, I found my way over to my bed to grab my phone off of the stand.

It was only 11:49 pm. How could it be this early? It has never started this early before. My mind has never been this fucked up at such an early time.

Mindlessly running my hand over my left inner forearm I froze. It's been forever, yet they are still there. I can almost remember it. The scars, they're still there. I mean obviously they would be, but it's just been so fucking long. The familiar pain started to burst through my stomach, god I wish I was talking about the feeling I had when I was around Lukas. No, this was the pain where you know all hope is lost. The type of pain you get when you feel like you are so alone, the pain you get when you just lost everything that had ever mattered to you.

I've been running from my past for the past 4 months, it was so unfamiliar to have all of the memories rolling in at lightning speed. If I go through with this everything will change. Every single fucking thing, it will all change. I can feel myself already beginning the process of the change, slipping quickly back into old, bad, habits.

Why does it have to be like this? Why do I have to be the way I am?

I can't help but wander if I would be feeling this self hatred if I wasn't gay. Everything always seems to come back to that one thought. What would happen if I liked girls? Would I actually have an easier chance of making friends? Would Lukas actually want to be seen with me out of private? It's haunting me. I don't think it will ever go away.

So I got up, finding my way to the box I hadn't dare to touch in months.

The next thing I know I'm on the bathroom floor, tears pilling up, but not daring to escape. I sit here, numb. The familiar sensation of everything floating away erupting all over me. I watch as the blood just oozes out.

Everything's going to change.

LUKAS' POV - 1:32 AM

As I lay in bed, just waiting for Philip's call that has yet to come, I can just feel something being wrong. He always calls me at midnight, even if it is just for a few seconds to say goodnight. Why hasn't he called? Should I call him? Or is that too pushy?

Deciding that it may be a little over dramatic to call him, and maybe he fell asleep early, so not wanting to wake him I decide to text him.

hey , u ok?
-sent at 1:33 am

And now we wait. I couldn't help but to continuously refresh my texts, knowing that literally wouldn't make a difference anyway. I sighed, turning over in bed, squinting at the bright light escaping the tiny screen that I held within my hands.

Trying to distract myself I make my way onto instagram. Considering that I haven't been on here in awhile my feed is full of things and my notifications are blown up.

As I click on the notification tab my phone dings. 1 new text from Philip Shea.

hey baby, yeah i'm good, are you?? also sorry for not calling i was extremely busy with my photography project.
-sent at 1:48 am

I could feel my pulse intensify as I read those first words. Baby. We've never really used pet names before. It was weird, but I think it was a good weird.

im good yeah, just missed hearing ur voice. sorry 4 being annoying. whats ur project abt?
-sent at 1:49 am

Now that I'm thinking about it, why the hell would he be doing a photography project at 1 in the morning? It's pitch black out. Was he with someone else? Nah, he couldn't be. Could he?

My phone screen was still on his name. Our texts.

read at 1:50 am

It was now 1:54 and still no response. Something had to be up, or am I deadass overthinking everything while being sleep deprived? I know that's probably it, so why does it feel so.. bleh.

i miss ur voice 2. see u 2morrow at school, or like i mean not rly since we cant rly talk, but like ill see u. gn
-sent at 1:57 am

What the hell?

yea, okay. see ya. sweet dreams.
- sent at 1:57 am

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lololol what even was this update
ahaha it's shit but whatever its like 2 am nd im rly sleep deprived

i love angst

also pls comment / vote / whatever the fuck i just wanna know what u genuinely think like if this could be better or worse or like idek

ALSO IM SORRY MY UPDATES R SO SHORT / NOT FREQUENT I HATe ME.