Hardly Hurts

Change

1 year ago

I'm walking down the street. It's cold and wet. I'm walking quickly as the pouring rain hits my shivering body. It's already soaked through my light gray hoodie and tight blue jeans. My combat boots are filled with water and my socks are soggy and gross. Rain hits my eye and I rub it hard, not caring that it stings. I look at the back of my hand; it's covered with mascara and my so called "waterproof eyeliner." I put my hands in my hoodie pockets and start walking faster.
'They hate you. All of them.' I think to myself,'You're a worthless mutt and don't deserve anything. No wonder Matt hates you. That's why he broke up with your ugly, slutty, ass. You never should've started talking to that guy. What was his name, Kellen? Ugh. And your sister? Pfft. She always wanted Matt. Well now she can have him. So fuck them and move on.'
I kept walking. The rain hitting my body and the ground was almost deafening. It was so heavy and hard now it could've been a waterfall from heaven. I found an old park bench and sat down on it. I felt like my chest was caving in on itself. I felt like my heart was being torn apart, stitched back together, and then torn apart again. My body was shaking not only from the cold but from knowing that I was a nothing. Nothing. How can someone feel like the entire universe is out to get them? How can someone feel like no one loves them? How can someone hate themselves so much? I didn't know it was possible until I felt it myself. Right now, I'm feeling it. The self loathing, the hatred, the shame.
I stand up and start walking again. Only now I know where I'm going:
I'm going to Kellen's house.

Present day

I wake up in a cold sweat and quickly sit up. I'm under the sheets of the white bed I fall asleep in every night. The washer is no longer running but the fan is still blowing. I can hear nothing but the fan and my own screaming thoughts,"Kellen isn't going to be happy when he gets home. He's going to hit you. Who cares about apologizing when you know you deserve all of this. You never should've lied. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad...' I grab my head and throw myself into the bed. I'm practically ripping at my own hair and my mouth is open but nothing is coming out. My eyes are squeezed shut and tears are already starting to form.
A moment later I open my eyes and my mouth closes. My face instantly turns from a sad and angry face into a terrified face. The door slammed. Kellen is home.
I rush into the bathroom and quickly turn on the shower. I tear off my pajamas on to the white tile floor and jump in the shower. It's freezing cold and shivers run down my spine, but it'll warm up momentarily. I hear Kellen open up the door to our room and put down his things. It's hard to hear over the splashing shower water, but I've learned to listen carefully. Light footsteps are just barely audible but they seem to be coming closer. I jump in my skin and reach for the shampoo and start scrubbing it into my scalp, pretending to not have heard him. The bathroom door opens and I peek through the curtains. He's standing there, head down, in a dark gray tank top, faded blue jeans and some fuzzy socks on. He loves fuzzy socks. His hair is shaggy and his face looks hallow. I clear my throat and say,"Oh! H-hey, Kel." He looks up from the ground, his eyes look glazed over and cold. I squint in confusion and peek my whole face out of the curtain now. He just looks at me and whispers,"Amanda... I'm so sorry... I-I don't know what came over me, I-" I cut him off by jumping out of the shower and kissing him. Though I'm naked and wet, he kisses me back as if I'm not undressed and completely vulnerable. I'm scared he may do something but I tell myself to shut up and just be glad he apologized. He breaks the kiss by picking me up and tightly hugging me . I wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. His arms are on my lower back and I can feel his jaw clenched up and a small splash of hot water drop onto my shoulder. He's crying. I lean back, his arms till holding me where I am. I cradle his face, as I always do, because I know it calms him. It's what he does for me too. Especially when I came to his house after... Anyways.
After a few minutes of Kellen profusely apologizing and holding me in his arms, he puts me down and I finish my shower. After my shower that I decided to keep cold because it felt good on my healing cuts and bruises, I get dressed and put my hair up into a wet bun. I open the bedroom door and head down the hall to the laundry room to grab out the comforter from the washer and put it in the dryer.
After I've started that up, I go down stairs and see Kellen cooking-,"Is... is that my mom's chili?" I ask, puzzled because he said he hates it.
"Uh hehe... yeah. I know how much you like it and so I decided to make it for us. It'll be ready in time for lunch. So I'm about 34min. But for now, would you like to go watch some TV with me?" Kellen asks nicely. His soft eyes looking into mine. The glazed over look has passed and now his eyes are sparkling with light. His freckles are so cute on his little nose. I come up and grab his hand, which is much bigger than mine. The veins in his arms are showing and damn it's sexy. I look up at him and smile, he smiles back. I lead him to the living room where we sit down on the couch. My legs over his lap and my arms wrapped around one of his. I rest my head gently on his shoulder and he rests his on top of mine. I close my eyes and sigh as he turns on the TV. Football isn't on today so we just kill time by watching old cartoons. My eyes still closed, I feel the pressure from his head leave the top of mine and his soft, plump lips press a kiss to my forehead. His lips still on my skin, he whispers,"I love you. And I'm going to change," I'm surprised. This is something he's never said. Ever."While I was with the boys last night, I got drunk. But while I was drunk, I realized what I'd done... and what I've been doing. I apologize every time but then I do it again. I guess my parents really set an example for me growing up. But I don't want to be them. I want to be the Kellen you came to when things went bad with Matt," I sighed, hating even the thought of him,"And I don't want to be harmful or hurtful. I want to be kind and loving towards you. You're my everything, 'Manda. And I don't wanna lose you." He kept his warm lips on my forehead. It felt nice. But I was still so surprised.
'Kellen... Wants to-what!? Change? This means I may actually feel okay. I might actually be in a good relationship again! Things might be okay... I might be okay.' I look up at him and smile sweetly. I give him a short kiss on the cheek and then face the TV again. A few minutes that felt like seconds go by and the timer goes off for the chili and he takes my hand, guiding me to the kitchen with him.
And all is good.

(Author's note:
Hey y'all! Sorry it's a short chapter this time. But hey, more comings soon. Will Kellen really try to change? Or is he just saying this to trick Amanda into more abuse and force her into more troubles? Find out in the next chapter of Hardly Hurts!)