tumblr? tumblr. |sidemen au|

n o o n e

dear everyone,

i'm so tired. not just the physical kind but the emotional exhaustion, the kind where you're so drained of all feeling that you become numb.

i've become so weak, every step hurts so much, my body is caving in on itself. i hurt so much dude, my heart and my mind are breaking.

i feel like i'm dying, i have for a long time now and i just can't take it anymore. my stomach clenches, bile burns the back of my throat as my stomach heaves. blood pours from my mouth, they keep beating me to the ground if i say no to them, i hate being used for my body.

no happiness is even possible for my mind to generate. i'm so unhappy, i'm getting so depressed. i just want to go. i realised that i had started dying the day i met him, but i thought it was my heart telling me that i was in love. yes, i was in love, i still am but love started killing me. it consumed me, i had to hide it of course.it turns out he was killing me and he never knew because i was killing him too.

i never meant to hurt you simon, i really didn't.

i fucked up man, i know i did and i can't live with that. i don't want to be like my dad, i always said i would end myself if i did and that's why i'll get rid of myself before i hurt anyone.

thankyou to my mum for giving birth to me and giving her life for me, i'm so sorry i gave up after you gave everything up for me to survive, thankyou for protecting me against my father.

thankyou dad for teaching me that acting like you feel nothing will make you feel so much.

thankyou josh for letting me live in your house without hardly knowing me, also thankyou for comforting me everytime i came back broken and used. (i'm so sorry for trying to take the boy you love away from you, just please look after simon, he deserves the world).

thankyou harry for hardly knowing me and inviting me around your house (even though i didn't even go inside).

thank you ethan for opening my eyes and making me realise that there are people who are diffetent to me and that i shouldn't discriminate (because you seem pretty damn cool).

thankyou vikky for being soo nice to me and calling me everyday to make sure i was hanging in there. i think you know more about me than i do about myself. please stay strong, for me, for harry, for everyone, you can get through this star, i know you can.

thankyou tobi for being kind to me, yoy never really said much but your vibes were always positive and that helped a lot, thankyou.

and thankyou simon, for showing me what love is and making me see the world in a little more colour.

whether you recieve this in a voicemail, a letter or a text, you will all get this at exactly 03:00 am.

just remember i'm happy now.

i love you.

i hope you will learn to love me too.

~olajide olatanji 13/11/14

josh: handwritten
simon: voicemail
tobi, harry, ethan: text
vikk: call