Never Let Us Go

Suicide Signs

‘Have you ever had a regret so deep in your soul that you wish you could just disappear to never have to feel that pain again? And know you are the only one to feel it, to feel that pain that makes life barely bearable.’

I stop writing; it’s no use, not good enough.  “It will never be good enough, just like you.” A voice screams in the back of my head. It’s 3 months and I still haven’t found a reason. Nothing that makes me wants to stay in this world. Perhaps my next like will be better than this one. Maybe I won’t feel so used. Leaving me to feel all loved out and broken. That’s all I want.

Well, I actually want him to come back, saying he really does love me. Make me believe once more that I am the only one for him. That he never really was happy after we parted ways. That he never did just use me for my love only.

I know I should hate him, Liam and Zayn have said many times. But how could you hate someone that only wanted to feel loved? Even if breaking your own heart in the process. And it is my own fault. I broke it off with him. I let him go…he just didn’t come back. Not on his own or when I called. Next thing I know, he has a new “friend” that looks at him as if the sun shines out his ass. I remember when that was me. And I would give anything to go back to those days, when the sun did shine there and I was happy. I destroyed my own happiness.

Maybe I should stop trying to find reasons. No family to devastate, and friends that I haven’t seen or talked to in at least a month. Even the last time we talked, they were mad at me. Niall left with Louis. Any money I do have is to keep my apartment. So what’s the point? Living is a chore, for everything and anyone around me. It’s just like sneaking out; expect I’m not coming back.

I feel like I should just say goodbye. Not that it matter much anymore. No one will even know for about awhile. Rent was due yesterday so people won’t bother my apartment. And even then, Liam and Zayn probably won’t care. Christmas alone really opened my eyes to see what I am doing to their relationship. Not helping is the simple version.

My face feels wet as I walk to the bathroom. I will call Liam. That will be my goodbye. I walk out into the kitchen, pick up my phone and then head back into the bathroom. Dialing Liam’s number, I press the phone to my cheek and I let out a sob and sit down. His phone is ringing until it gets to voicemail. “You just called me Liam! Haha, sorry I didn’t answer. Zayn’s birthday week and I’m very very busy with hi- Zayn stop it. Anyways, get back to you as soon as possible. Bye.” I guess a voicemail with do. Probably better that way.

“Hey Liam, it’s me Harry. You’re probably wondering why I am calling you; I mean you are mad at me. But I just wanted to say my last goodbyes. You and Zayn have been amazing friends to me and I would never ask for better ones. I’m so sorry for making your relationship harder. With all my problems and then Louis…”I take a deep breath” I just can’t do this anymore. It’s so hard continuing everyday, wishing I could just disappear. I have nothing to live for. And right now, this blade in my hand is looking like heaven. Down the river they say.  Haha.”I laugh almost manically. “You’re probably wondering why I haven’t looked for a reason. An anchor to hold on to” I pause” but I have, and it has been in vain. I just hope that you and Zayn… that you guys stay together, and live a happy life. Together. Go find Niall; I know how much you all got along. And Louis. Make sure he has his own happy ending. He’s a good person, and you all like each other. Try and forget me, though I know it won’t be all to hard considering what I have put you guys through. Even now, I’m finding myself wishing you would pick up the phone. Maybe talk me out of this. Cause I don’t want to, but it hurts so damn much. “I’m crying so much right now. I hope he can still understand me.” See, even in my last moments, I’m still searching for a sign. Does that make me pathetic? Ha! Who am I kidding; it makes me even more pathetic. I drove away the one thing I loved. That’s pretty pathetic. You know Li, I sometimes wondered if Louis might have loved me, just a bit. Enough to drive me crazy but then I look back at all those memories, all the memories I should try to forget but I don’t. I was pretty much living on a prayer. He never gave me a sign that he actually loved me. But he pushed me away, piece-by-piece before we broke up. He never loved me Li. He just…Just…I don’t know what. I guess I never loved him enough. Maybe I am not a good lover. But hey, at least I tried. Tell Zayn that I said Happy birthday. I love you both. Find Niall. Tell him that I love him and that I have missed him these past few months. And since I know it will be awhile till you all forgive Louis, but let it happen as soon as possible. And tell him that I still love him with all my heart. I hope I will se you in a long, long, long time. So uh, yeah, bye.”

And with that, the phone dropped out of my hand. Broken. I broke it too, just like I broke myself. And the battery, still intact, just like Louis. I just don’t understand. After everything we had been through, everything I gave him, how could he not love me? We were perfect together. Two missing puzzles pieces that fit perfectly together.

I need to stop thinking about that and need to get back to business. I’m going to do this is the tub. Less of a mess someone has to clean up. I wipe the tears off my face and walk to the tub. I open the curtain and freeze. It’s a picture of Louis. Broken but still holds all the meaning in the world.

I remember that day. When I took the picture. It was last February and Louis was playing football with Niall and Liam. Zayn and I were in Niall’s apartment making lunch. The week before I got a new camera for my birthday because for some reason, I thought I was meant to be a photographer, and the first picture I ever took was of Louis. That first picture made him my model and my muse. He always had wanted me to delete it but I couldn’t. Him and I went and got it printed and framed.

I also remember how I broke the beautiful picture. It was the day we broke up. Louis had been gone only for a few hours and I remember being completely torn up about it. I took the picture into the shower with me. And I dropped it. The tears had clouded my vision and I just broke down. That’s the moment I know Louis had truly broken me. When I dropped that picture. I have been taking showers next door for a while, didn’t want to see that picture, and I guess I just forgot about it.

This is a sign. Not to give up. Not on life and definitely not on Louis. I need to stay on this earth, in this life and fight for his love. No one deserves it more than me. I will be the one he loves.

But first, I need to fix myself.