the hole

1

"Dorothy, have you seen Jon?" Thomas asks me.

My heart beats hard. Does he know? I look down at my chipped red finger nails and the chewed up skin around it. My feet drag through the woodchips, halting myself and the swing.

"What do you mean?" I ask, trying to let my breath slow and begin nibbling on my index finger. A habit I have when I get anxious.

"I didn't see him this morning. I couldn't find him." Thomas speaks in blunt, short sentences. He doesn't seem high right now. When he's high he's happier, and it's been at least 5 days since his last acid trip so it had to have worn off by now. And he isn't on any heroin, I think. Ever since my relationship stopped with Savannah we haven't gotten anything.

"Dorothy." He growls at me.

Suddenly I feel as if I'm back in Wendy's, back in the booth next to the window watching Savannah approach me, gun in her hand.

Thomas's hand grabs my shoulder.

"I don't know, I'm sorry," I respond quickly.

He brushes his hands through his light brown hair. It's greasy from not being washed.

"Don't stay here too long. It's getting cold," Tom tells me and turns away. I twist on the swing, the metal chains clinking together.

"Okay."

He begins to walk to his trailer down the road.

A moment passes where I look out at the big field. I remember there used to be cotton tails here, a huge big valley of them. I remember playing and skipping out here with my sister Hedy. She brought up how I was bisexual, I got upset, and I pushed her into the river.

Wow, Dodie. That escalated quickly.

I laugh to myself and sigh. I don't know why I'm such a bitch.

My anxiety wears off and I just feel a heavy, dull, numb feeling in my chest and stomach. I tremble from the with drawl of heroin.

It's funny how people in movies who flirt with drugs are either hippies, or rock stars with fucked up lives. It doesn't seem accurate.

Well, who am I to say I don't have a fucked up life?

My stained brain hasnt even seen Tom's best friend -and his plug- Jon. Ever. And I'm scared he's going to find out. I'm scared the world's gonna find me out for what I really am. A psychotic drug addict.