Tainted Love

"He does something to me, that boy. Every time. It's his only detriment. He steps on my heart. He makes me cry."
Markus Zusak, The Book Thief
"I wanted something and got it. It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot, and when I got it it turned to dust in my hand."
F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned

She sprints from the party hall, Mani' voice fading in her ears as she does so.
The only words, the only voice that echo in her ears are his and his alone.
She cannot erase them.
She cannot get over the venom that dripped from his words, the anger, hatred and repulsion that she saw in his gaze.
Those eyes...the ones that made her always think that despite his harshest words the man, her husband loves her today ripped her heart.
She has seen him blow hot and cold, she has seen him unleash his hatred and fury even before but something about those things tonight has her ripped apart.
His words mentioned a name other than her own but his eyes...the way they looked daggers at her she cannot get over it.
To the others in that room, in the world, he aimed those words aimed at his ex, a woman who left him but one look at his eyes, the way all his anger was contained and yet unleashed was enough to let her know he meant them for her.
In the darkness of the parking lot she breaks down at last.
Bitter tears flow down her cheeks as she rests her arms on the roof of her car and buries her face in them.
She had been so happy, so proud of him.  Was it just last night she had jumped in glee when Mani informed her that Raman' selection as the new head of the Asia Business guild has come through.  She had assumed he would be happy when he would return home, he would be jubilant and maybe, just maybe she would let him know the words that she had been holding close to her heart, words that she cannot contain anymore. She had dreamt he would accept her feelings her sentiments, return those in fact...even if not in equal measures.
She is in love with the man and she had assumed so is he...then why did he do the things he did today? Why has he been behaving the way he is since days now?
What has gotten into him? She wishes he would tell, she wishes she could know.
What has she done to deserve this, she simply cannot figure it out. What has went wrong between them?
He had fasted for her not a couple of days back on Karwachauth, the moment she had known he did it for her, her heart had fluttered at his gesture. She had been participating in the festivities of the day and enjoying them too however a part of her could not help but feel dejected that her first Karwachauth was incomplete. She had wanted to fast for him, his longevity with all her heart but hid the disappointment that she felt because she did not want to affect everyone around her just because of her low spirits and then she had learned of him fasting for her. They have trouble vocalizing their feelings and emotions, she has forever known it but his silent gesture had been the sweetest thing he had done for her ever. She had no further doubt in her mind after that to the possibility of him ever loving her; she knew he did without the shot of a doubt and knowing that had been enough for her.
It had given her the courage to confess her feelings for him.
It is what she had planned to do at the earliest, tonight. She dressed up with extra care so she could have that one moment of his silent appreciation when his eyes roved her form, so that she could see that awed look on his face that confirmed she makes his heart skip a beat. She would take that look of his over a million flowery words any day...but tonight not once did he look at her fondly, not once did he acknowledge her.
He had been gone already in the evening by the time she arrived home and it pricked her heart. In the morning earlier too he had been rude to her in front of everyone, she even silently took it but she cannot get over this...she cannot keep on letting him break her heart always.
She is still weeping when she hears someone' footsteps behind her and immediately wipes away her tears though she knows lest somebody see her, her eyes would give her away. She thinks Mani may have found her at last and hence without turning around she speaks up,
"Mani please I said I want to be alone."
"Still him huh?"
It is when she hears his voice she turns around to see her husband standing mere inches away from her. His hands thrust in his pockets, his expression one of contempt and gloating. The way he looks at her pinches her heart, something about that look reminds her of the repulsion he had for her in their earlier days for a moment but when she sees his eyes...it absolutely breaks her heart. That look, she has seen it perhaps a million times in those eyes - only never for her...he reserved that look for one person and one person alone in the whole world- Shagun. Tonight that look, one of hate, contempt and disgust was aimed at her and it prickled her very being to be at the receiving end of that look from the man she loves.
"What are you doing here Raman?"
"That is what precisely I am trying to figure out."
His answer confuses her as he moves closer to her and stands toe to toe with her.
"To answer your earlier question, I wish I knew too but since I can't do anything about it all I can say - I wish I was sorry to disappoint you, but I am not."
"What are you even talking about Raman?"
"Stop playing dumb Ishita, I mean what's the use now I know, sorry correction we know who you were expecting here...tough luck I got here though."
"I don't know what is going on in that head of yours Raman all I know is, I can't figure you out...so unless you want to spill it out...move I wanna leave."
"Why? The night has just begun Ishita...the celebrations haven't even started."
"I don't wanna stay. I have a headache."
"Not even for a dance?"
"No."
"Oh come on you can't do this; you have to stay for at least one dance with the man of the moment...you got to do that."
"If you are so interested in dancing I am sure you can find loads of willing partners inside Raman but I am not in the mood right now."
"Who said anything about me wanting to dance with you here?"
She closes her eyes to reign herself in for a moment, she knows something is off with him and right now he may be looking forward to a spectacle, as is his norm but she has no inclination to indulge him. Therefore, she turns around, picks up her clutch kept above the roof of her car and opens it to draw her keys out from it.
She is about to enter the key in the key lock when he holds her hand,
"I just said stay for a dance Ishita."
She looks at his hold on her wrist and then at him and quietly speaks up,
"Let go of my hand Raman, I wanna leave."
The words just make his grip even fiercer, his look even more menacing as he enunciates his next words,
"Oh but you can't, I insist...you have to dance, with your Mani...do that Ishita at least once, for me now."
The sheer fury in her eyes as he says that does it; she jerks her hand free from his grip and finally lashes out at him,
"What is your problem Raman?"
"My problem...What makes you think I have any problem in the first place?"
"Oh yeah, then why are you behaving the way you are?"
"Why shouldn't I? I am the man of the night after all, all of this it's for me, everyone here, everyone that is present tonight at this venue is here for me, what do I lack...oh wait sorry correction almost everyone here is here tonight for me. Friends, family, well-wishers, business associates, even my rivals and those that hate me are here tonight to celebrate me barring two people of course."
When she doesn't speak up, to either ask him something or rebuke him, he can't help himself as he closes in on her making her back collide with her car as he speaks up quietly,
"Won't you ask me who those two people are tonight that aren't here for me Ishita?"
"Just say what you have to say Raman."
"Oh come on where is the fun in that? Ask me Ishita, please...I insist."
"Since you are dying to share, ok, tell me Raman who are those two people as per you that aren't here for you tonight at all?"
He gives her a half smirk before he leans in close to her...the movement reminding her of another incident, of a happier memory...the night she knew he had moved on or at least thought he had...the look starkly different from that day.
She can't help but recall how he had looked flirtatious back then, almost teasing her his face had conveyed those emotions to her but it had been the look in his eyes that scorched so intently she had to close hers as he came close to her. In that moment, he had overwhelmed her so completely by his proximity, her raging heartbeats. Her heart had wanted to close that distance and hold him in her arms and her mind had stopped her too afraid of what might come next from him.
In the end she had listened to her mind and closed her eyes, though her heart had wanted, longed for him to do what it wanted, to do what she had been too afraid of...to take her in his arms and cease her lips.
He had backed out then but the moment became a memory she would cherish forever...tonight though in much a similar position her heart feels like lead inside her chest and her mind is too frantic to think much. Therefore, she retains her stand and sees the cold fury evident in his eyes aimed solely at her.
"Why you of course, you and that Mani of yours Ishita...you two are here tonight for each other, not me."
It is the last straw that does it, she finally lets go of the clutch in her hand, the keys she is holding onto and pushes him away from her,
"Oh come on Ishita, that's no way to behave with your husband."
"You disgust me Raman, you completely disgust me."
He is in her face before she can even comprehend what is happening and holds her arms her back colliding with the car behind her,
"It is you who disgust me Ishita, you...you and that Mani of yours. What do you take me for huh? A fool, yes we married for Ruhi, yes  I know we had decided from day one that is all we shall be for each other, her parents but I had considered you an honorary woman Ishita a woman who I could trust my Ruhi with...only I was fooled once again. I was fooled and did not even know of it until now. Do you think I am so blind as to not see what is going on around here? Do you think I do not know about your clandestine meetings with your boyfriend or that you have changed his name to Manisha in your mobile? How long do you think you could have gotten away with this huh tell me? How long were you planning to keep me in the dark? A week, a month, a year - tell me exactly how much foolish had you considered me to be? Or did you think I would never know huh, tell me."
Her eyes have tears pooling in them even when she looks at him with anger, disgust and a million questions in them.
"I have nothing to say, nothing Raman."
"Why because I caught you and you accept it? oh come on Ishita at least have the guts to accept your deeds, Shagun did after all, even if a little bit late, but she did and if you are keen to follow in her footsteps I say do this one thing better than her, speak up earlier than she did."
"Why?"
"What do you mean why?"
"Why should I speak up at all? You already have formed your opinion regarding everything. As per you, you know everything than why do you need me to speak up?"
"Because I wanna hear you say it. Say it Ishita."
"I have nothing to say to you Raman, nothing at all."
"Why? Why can't you just say it dammit?"
"Why do you want me to say it?"
"Because you have to say those words to me, I want to hear them."
"Why?"
"I need to hear those words from you."
"And I refuse that."
"You can't, you can't do that."
"I can and I will."
"You can and you will, you owe this to me."
"I owe you nothing Raman, nothing...at least nothing that could qualify you to ask of me what you are asking."
He makes his grip on her arms impossibly tighter as he speaks through clenched teeth,
"Yes you do, you owe me this at least Ishita."
"Raman you are hurting me."
"Not as much as you are hurting me."
"I am doing nothing."
"You are and you know it. Say those words Ishita and I swear I will let you go - now and...forever, if that is what you want, but you have to say them once. I have to hear those words from you."
"Go ahead then do your worst Raman, but I won't say anything."
"You can't do that. Ishita you cannot do this to me."
"I am doing nothing to you."
"You are, you are Ishita and until I get you to accept this you can't leave."
She keeps up with her struggle but his strength proves stronger, the more she struggles the tighter he holds her, his nails digging into her arms as the distance between them diminishes. Their faces mere inches apart, their lips almost kissing as they breathe the same air as their bodies plaster on.
"Leave me Raman."
"I will, now and forever just say it dammit. Say you love him Ishita."
"I won't."
"Why? It's the truth and you owe me this."
"If you think you know what the truth is why are you so adamant? Why do you want me to say it?"
"I need to have my peace of mind that is why...I need to know I am right."
"If all I am is Ruhi' mother to you then why bother? Why does it matter to you if you are wrong or right? Why would anything affect your peace of mind Raman?"
"Because to make you Ruhi' mother I had to marry you. You are my wife and as your husband I am entitled to this, you owe me at least acceptance if not an apology."
"Husband...Did you just say husband? I thought all we were, are in fact...all that we had is only being Ruhi' parents."
"That is all we have all right but don't you dare forget for the world you are Mrs. Ishita Raman Kumar Bhalla. Even if for namesakes I am your husband don't forget it."
"Exactly all we have is a namesake relationship, and that does not warrant an explanation or reasoning. It makes you owe nothing to anyone."
"It doesn't...it so doesn't but something does and I demand you admit this once to me Ishita based on that."
He fights to not let on but his tightly coiled control begins slackening as she stands her ground, no she cannot do this to him. She cannot.  He needs this from her, if it is the only thing she can give him, so be it but he needs it more than anything in the world from her, more than anything he has ever wanted from anyone ever.
He needs to hear her say it once so that the part of him that cannot stop loving her even as she betrays him can die at last or the one that doubts her, the one that deems her capable of breaking his heart can rest. Without her words confirming or denying his doubts, he is in a perpetual hell fighting himself - his head and heart at war with each other.
The heart that will not stop loving her cannot stop wanting her believing she loves him with everything that she has, that she too feels the way he does...that longs to love her and be loved would finally have its faith reaffirmed and the moment it does, he would have everything he ever wanted and needed.
However, if she confirms his worst doubts, his worst nightmare come true he would at least be free from this purgatory even if he would be unleashed onto another.
He needs his answers he needs to know.
"You can't demand anything of me Raman..."
"I can and I will."
"Based on what? What gives you the right to demand anything from me if I am just a namesake wife?"
"My love does dammit! My love...it can demand an explanation, an answer from you because I love you! You have to say it - deny it or confirm it Ishita but you have to give me an answer to my questions. You have to speak up."
A million expressions cross her face as she hears those words, tears dripping down both their faces as they look at each other,
She finally whispers,
"You love me?"
"I do...I love you a lot...now answer me."
She had closed her eyes upon hearing his affirmation; it is all she had wanted to hear from him...that he loves her.  It is all she seeked of him even as he continues to hurt her - with his words, his actions - both physical and emotional - those words made her heart skip a beat, those words gave her the world until she heard him finish.
"What is love without trust Raman? Nothing, absolutely nothing...if you can't trust the one you love how can you even love them really?"
"Forgive me if my experience has taught me that to trust blindly is to trust foolishly."
"If you mean to say your experience has taught you that you cannot ever trust then what does it matter what I say or don't Raman? You already have decided on things, you have made up your mind and nothing I say would or could change that. if I deny you wouldn't believe me, if I confirm you would do what? Tell me. Whatever I say now won't matter because you know what Raman, you have already decided you don't or won't trust me, haven't you?"
"I have done nothing of that sort."
"If you haven't then why do you need to ask me? If you say you love me, Raman...you must know me, at least a little about me to have fallen in love with me...if you do all you need to do is ask yourself has your heart made a mistake in loving me or not? I can't give you the answers that you seek Raman...because they aren't for me to give...all your questions, all your answers they are within you."
"You think talking in riddles in gonna make me what...forgive you for your actions these days?"
"What have I done?"
"You speak as if I am making all this up Ishita...as if you didn't meet Mani behind my back, as if you didn't change his name on your phone, as if you didn't say you love him...something which I heard by the way just yesterday."
"So you eavesdropped on me, spied on me?"
"I dint mean to eavesdrop...and I spied because I wanted answers."
"I see you have got your answers already Raman."
"But you haven't confirmed them."
"I have no need to Raman...you know why? Because you don't trust me at all, you won't believe anything I say so why waste my breath on a lost cause?"
He does not even realize it but his grip on her has slackened and she gently pushes him away. Bending down she is picking up her clutch and keys as he says,
"You can't... just end this discussion here."
"I can and I will...because this discussion is already over Raman. There is no point in stretching this."
"But you haven't answered me yet."
"I already told you Raman...I don't have any answers for you...you have all your answers. You just want me to tell you what to believe here do not you. You want me to decide what to pick here - a heart which if it loves me would trust me or a mind clouded by your past that you can't move on from and I cant make this choice for you Raman. You have to make it yourself."
"What are you saying? That I want your validation for things here?"
"No, I am saying you got to decide if you can trust yourself enough to know the right from the wrong. So long as you cannot do it, nothing would help Raman, I could cry and yell and do all sorts of things but if your faith, your trust isn't into it what does it matter what I say or do here? You don't need me to tell you anything Raman...you need to ask yourself if I am capable of doing this to you, to us? The moment you have that answer you wouldn't need to ask me anything."
"And how would I have that answer?"
"I can't tell you that either...just like you cannot pick the moment you fall in love with someone, become irrevocably theirs you can't pick a moment to decide whether or not you trust them...because either you do or don't and I can't decide that for you. I can't make up your mind for you or slay your demons...only you can do that."
She turns around with the last word and leaves the place and him behind alone staring at a trail of dust.
When she is gone, her words sink in at last...his heart protesting louder than ever as it asks him how could he do that to her? Doubt her; does he not know her, his Ishita? His mind battles against his heart as it recollects the moments that made her doubt him, those words and actions - everything.
He closes his ears and eyes to shut off everything that makes it seem he might explode.
Only as he does that,  he is reminded of her tear-streaked face that had heartbreak written all over it as he accused her of infidelity as he is of the moment when her eyes closed when she heard him re-affirm he loves her. That moment when despite tears he saw a sudden peace, a smile that wanted to spread across her quivering lips and he has his answer.
He sinks to his knees with tears clouding his vision as he utters the words that slay his demons finally,
"She loves me...Ishita loves me."
He does not know if it is the happiest or the saddest moment of his life there, he has finally found what his heart always seeked - someone who would love him but what if has he lost his chance at love by doubting her.