An amateur writer just simply writing for the purpose of trying to express jumbled thoughts. Also for others with difficulty expressing thoughts, to relate to.
Along with the heartbreak came an utterly deep and undeniable depression. Not just because of the break up, but I'd have to say that's where it all stemmed from. My mind just started spiraling after that. I hated myself. I hated everything about life. I had nothing to look forward to. It was a struggle to get out of bed everyday just to live the life I wasn't actually living. I just went through the motions. Nothing mattered. So what was the point? I just wanted the pain so desperately to end. I struggled with the weight of pain on my shoulders and I didn't have it in me to carry it along anymore. What an awful feeling. I don't wish it upon my worst enemy. It's a slow painful agony. Depression just drags you along for the ride and controls your life. You can't help it. The thoughts just creep into your head constantly. Every little bad thing that would happen to me was immense. I couldn't take anything life threw at me. And it just got worse and worse. I'd made multiple suicide attempts but I obviously didn't try too hard; I'm still here. It was the most unknown feeling to me, just sitting there crying thinking about killing yourself, only I wasn't myself at all. My mental state was just taking a toll on its own. But there was always this little bit of guilt that prevented me from my selfishness. I would imagine situations of my family at my funeral, I just couldn't have them endure that pain.
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