Why ? why me? why you? why anything? I love knowing a lot about a wide range of subjects but i dont know how i even feel? isnt that funny im almost at the top of my classes and i cant even tell how i feel. A lot has happened in the past year, but ik just about everyone can say the same 2016 in a couple ways was fun and amazing but in a whole lot more ways it was the worst. I have even done a few thing im not proud of... idk my emotion state has just been flying all over the place here lately and ive been holding back tears as hard as i can. when i lay to sleep the slip out and ive done forgot the entire reason i was wanting to cry but that lead me to think of why which leads to even more sad and painful memories. I honestly think im going crazy and i dont know who to talk to or what i would even say like rn i dont even know what im doing! i keep my family in the dark about every thing i feel and i would like to keep them in the dark cause that be even more stress expaining everything to them and then they will be stressed which will make me feel bad or even bothering them about it. im not goo at showing my emotions tbh i dont think anyone has seen me cry since i was in fifth grade. I havent had a loving concerned hugg from anyone and i love hugs . hugs make me happy and feel safe and free. I have a few friends at school who will give me a hug when ever but its not the same cause its just a short second with out any care or thought given to it. Those friends are also just the people im friendly with and hang out with sometimes at school, never out side. Then i have those friends i hang out with at school and outside of school who i love and cherish deeply, but i can never get them to give me a hug and ik its just a hug and i shouldnt be crying over. But i still am and i dont fully understand why. I have one friend thats a girl and ive been friends with her almost the whole time i have moved to the hell hole of a town and idk what i would do with out her i mean really ive lost alot of people but if i lose her i have know idea what i would do. Ive never hugged her once that i can recall and ik ive asked a few times at school acting like i was joking but i really need a hug and she would just say no and that if i did she would hit me or as she likes to say " the squirrels will get their presents." I know these are just little first world problems. I cant help it ive been getting upset over the littlest of things. I know i may act like a big stone wall but im not im just a big teady bear who wants a hug. I feel so alone but im not ik im not and i wish someone would actually make me feel like them want me cause i feel like im just a bother and that if i was to die or leave tomorrow no one would be bothered by it. They would all go about there life as if i never existed. All i want is someone to show me to hold me to love and make me feel wanted. To say and mean they want me. I almost had this with my ex but i could never see him and it was hurting me even more than not having anyone so i had to cut my ties with him. I have felt a little better after not having to worry about someone who i barely talked to ann never saw. I dont miss him idc what anyone says im better off alone. I Dont see how i could love someone or i mean i dont understand the feeling of love. I had a dream not too long ago where i was in a guys bedroom and the guy was my bf in the dream and he was shirtless and i gave him a hug and i could feel how warm he was i could feel he love through the lust i felt like i was in heaven i have never felt like that with or towards anyone. The feeling was just so amazing i didnt have a care about anything or any worry i was on could 9 just me and him it was all so perfect ive cried over it a few time that is just silly cause its just a dream. its not really and never will be. But thats just the thought that makes me so sad! knowing i might never feel love and happiness like that again. I dont see how anyone could love me when i dont even love myself im just a big disappointment and on top of all that my body is hideous and disgusting how could anyone find me attractive. Im ugly ass hell and fat as fuck and i dont give a fuck what anyone says ik im fat i have huge man boobs and a huge gut and the other day one of my "friends" said i was ugly and i was like no im not. Then i turn to my best friend the girl i was talking about a min ago and said im not ugly am i? just said no comment and just acted strange about it. So yea ik im ugly idk how i will ever feel the same way i did in my dream. I was just so happy.
