"I knew you'd be here..." he said shyly with his hands in his pockets. I stay silent as I nod. I just calmed down, I don't want to talk about us anymore for tonight. I've talked too much, "please don't run away from me again."
As stupid as it sounds, that comment makes me teary. I'm not crying, but it looks like I've been cutting onions. Stupid feelings. I shake my head slightly at him, still not wanting to speak.
"Please say something, Grey," he says in a whispered tone. Fuck me dead, I fucking can't.
"I can't," I say looking to my feet. He takes a step closer causing me to take one back. That heart broken look he gave me when I did that made my chest hurt. Like someone had thrown a 20kg weight right at my lungs.
"What? Are you afraid of me now?" He said with a bit more oomph. I think he was getting a little angry...
"No!" I say quickly. I'm not afraid of him. I'm afraid of...
This.
Of fighting and of awkwardness and hurt and this feeling in my chest and burning tear ducts and running away and of being broken and of failure. Mostly failure. And the outcome of failure. I don't want to lose him. I can't lose him.
"You won't!" He says. Fuck man, I need to quit this talking out loud shit.
"Justin... this isn't me running away from you," I say walking around him slowly, leaving a noticeably large distance.
"You're leaving?"
"This isn't me running away, okay?" I say again, "this is me... putting you on hold. I've let out too much today, just please, give me time," and before he could say another word a ran out of the bushes to my car. Leaving him once again. I don't know if the feeling in my chest got worse because I left again or better because I was done for tonight. Regardless, my chest still felt like there was an elephant sitting on it.
I just need some fucking food.
•
[the next evening]
"This is a masterpiece," Nikkie says as she pulls away before looking into the camera, "I'm Picasso," she says causing me to laugh. I decided to get a Nikkietutorials look for my first public event like the AMAs. She's amazing at what she does and I like to keep it real by helping her out, not that she needs it of course, but a little extra exposure never hurt anyone.
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My face it beeeeeat. It's like a beeettroooot cause people r gonna wanna root me yeaaaa.
New song: beetroot, coming soon
"This is beautiful!" I say taking my first look in the mirror. My first thought is to take a photo and send it to Justin, but I haven't spoken or communicated with him at all since last night. (Cos I'm a petty bitch and I hate myself aha) I'll wait to see him tonight and talk to him in person, "do you want to see my dress on?" I say attempting to change the subject in my head.
