*December, 2009*
I reached out in the darkness and felt a pang of discomfort as my hand found the cold, hard surface of what I hoped would be a door. I pushed, and much to my relief, it opened, revealing a large white room. I stepped through the door and looked around. I saw a long white bench of sorts, barely visible against the whiteness of everything else in the room. I made my way over and sat down, waiting for something, surely something would happen.
“Demi?” A voice questioned from behind me. It was familiar, but I couldn’t quite place who it belonged to. I turned my head to see who was speaking, and I almost choked on my own tongue.
“Trenton?” I jumped up and engulfed him, he looked no different to the last time I’d seen him, the last I thought I’d ever see of him because… “Am I dead?” I asked suddenly, pulling out of the hug slightly so I could see his facial expression.
“I don’t know. Are you dead?” He asked quizzically and I sighed. He wasn’t going to give me a straight answer. “Come on, we have to catch up! We haven’t talked in forever!” He said, pulling me over to the bench and sitting cross-legged on it, facing me; just like he used to. “How are you?” He asked, his thirteen year old face suddenly getting serious. I wanted to come clean, tell the truth for once. Tell him about the crazy, horrible war raging on inside of my head, about how much I loathed myself, how much I wished I could just be someone else, someone less worthless and horrible and fat, someone less me.
“I’m fine.” I said quietly, forcing a smile onto my face. Lying to your best friend, Demi? Lying to the one person in the universe who used to know everything about you? That was a new low point.
“Look down at your wrists.” He said, wiping a tear from his face. I felt my stomach drop. I’d made him cry. I did as he said and looked down. I was greeted with the sight of my usual scars, some old, some more recent, but on my left wrist I saw some deeper gashes, that looked fresh. There was blood covering my whole wrist, but it wasn’t flowing, yet it wasn’t dry. It was as if time had frozen, leaving the blood mid-flow on my skin.
“Tell me you’re fine now.” Trenton said, and I couldn’t look up to see what I was hearing, him sobbing. When I finally did look up he wasn’t sitting beside me. I could see the back of him, making his way away from me, leaving me like everybody does.
“I’m not fine, I’m sorry. Help me. Save me from myself Trent, please.” I yelled through my own sobs, covering my face with my hands.
“We both know there’s only one person who can help you Demi. It’s you.” He called, and when I opened my eyes, he was gone. I went to wipe the tears off of my face and my hands came off red, they were covered in blood. The same blood that I saw on my wrists every night, every day. The same blood that ended up in the bowl of the toilet with the stomach acid that must have been making me fat. The same blood that I wiped from my nose after a line of coke. The same blood that would appear as I threw up all the vodka shots supposed to take my pain away. I was killing myself. Not in the same way that Trenton had, quickly, deliberately. But I was killing myself, still quite literally, slowly, and bit by bit, I was dying inside. And the dying parts inside were killing the outside parts of me, slowly but surely, just like the bullies seemed to want; Just like I seemed to want. I was dying, and no-one knew. The white room surrounding me slowly shaded away from the pure white colour and changed, into a crimson red. The blood covering me, the blood on my hands, had changed the room, just like it had changed me. I closed my eyes, and opened them to a different scene, the ceiling of my bathroom.
“Demi, oh my god, talk to me.” Selena’s frantic voice said, she appeared in my field of vision and I could feel her pressing something on each of my wrists.
“Where’s Trenton?” I asked; he understood better than anyone.
“Demi, he died? He killed himself, four years ago. Do you know what year it is? Oh my god;” She said frantically, pushing my hair out of my face. I mustered up the strength that I had and pulled myself up a bit, Selena turned me so my back rested on the side of the bathtub.
“I-I know. I was just checking.” I said quietly, looking at the ground. I was so ashamed; I didn’t want anyone to see me this way.
“You need help.” Selena choked out, and I swallowed.
“I know, I know. I need to help myself.” I said quietly, pulling my phone out of my pocket, and calling the one person I knew wouldn’t be mad at me for ringing at 2am in the morning.
“Mom” I said, barely a whisper as she answered.
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14th June, 2011.
@ddlovato: One of the scariest moments in life, is when you come to the realization that the only person that can save you is yourself...
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A/N: Woooh!! I hope y’all enjoyed that :D (And I didn’t make anyone cry) Sorry I’ve been so lazy updating… Please vote, comment all that jazz, it really helps me out and motivates me to write more, promise!! xxx Also, any suggestions, requests, whatever, are so welcome! I love getting ideas from other people and then making them come to life so please do let me know!! :) xx
