Never (Larry Stylinson)

Ch. 1 -Memories

Louis was cold, and not just because it was chilly out. Louis was tired, and not just because he hasn't slept much in the past few days. Louis was scared, and not just because it was late at night and he was all alone. No. These things he perceived as feelings definitely had double meaning.

Yet there was one thing that Louis constantly felt, that even he couldn't ignore, no matter how much effort he used.

Disgust.

It wasn't the clothes he was wearing, or the car he was driving, or the dwelling he lived in. No. It was him.

Louis is completely and utterly disgusted with himself.

He bathed regularly and kept nice and prompt. He was just like every other human on this earth. So why should he of all people feel any different?

As he walked down the street towards his flat, he passed multiple shops and restaurants, and many, many people.

People.

He hated people. He wasn't anti-social on purpose. No not at all. He use to love the company of people, even ones he didn't know.

But now, he can't help but wish they didn't see him. He wished he was invisible. The reason he never went out in public unless absolutely necessary, was he could feel them.

He could feel their stares as he walked down the street. He could feel their eyes burn into his figure, as if he was a mere peasant to the rest of society. He could feel them mocking him, silently looking him over, and judging him for who he is.

Out of all the things he could still feel, it had to be pain. And these people brought on quite a lot.

He can't help but think of how their opinions about him are most likely horrible. But yet he dwells on the feeling of disgust. The disgust that he accepted as he feels unimportant to the world.

How he never feels like he's good enough.

And this is sure as bloody hell not the first time he's felt this way.

*Flashback*

8 year old Louis. Such a young figure. Still doesn't know how much pain the world will cause.

Football. His favorite sport. Yet everything good must soon come to an end now doesn't it?

Louis thought he was a pretty good player. Always following directions, always doing what he's told, and even doing extra laps to make the coach happy.

But the coach was anything but happy. Louis was a ray of sunshine, a slap happy kid. Not a care in the world. He doesn't want that. He wants a tough group of kids that know how to play with out having to be told they are wrong. Louis doesn't know that he really is a bad player.

Years go by. 3 to be exact. Louis has been yelled at for many reasons, yet believe it or not, he has improved tremendously. But the coach didn't give a damn. Never has, never will. It's the final championship, and Louis was so excited. Sitting on his usual spot on the bench, he happily waited for his chance to play. In the sidelines. The whistle is blown, as one of his team members is down. Sprained ankle. Now is his chance. Looking for any other way to continue the game, the coach had no choice but to put Louis in. Midfielder. Quite a big role. The whistle is blown again and there goes the ball.

Chasing after it , adrenaline pumping, Louis had never felt more alive. His eyes widen as the ball ends up at his feet. And then green. The other team's player has trampled him over, Louis' face pushed into the grass. Arm bending at a strange angle, he cries out in pain as they all sit back and watch. The game is over. The other team won. As they go off and celebrate, Louis lays on the ground in pain. Finally the coach and the rest of his team appear, towering over him. Sighing in relief that someone had finally come to help him, the worst hits him.

Yells and cries from the coach and team telling him how bad he screwed up, how much they hated him, how he should've never been on the team, how they always told each other how bad he was. Yet the one comment that stood out , was the one from his coach. "Worthless piece of shit" he said as they all walked away, leaving him there to lie in pain.

His eyes drooped as he felt the blackness overcoming him. A small boy, around the same age as him, came up and crouched down next to him. He could vaguely make out the emerald eyes , small head of slightly curled hair. "Don't worry, I'll help you" was the last thing he heard before he blacked out. The next day he left the hospital in a cast . Once he got home, he got to his room, and that's when the harsh words hit him. Hard. He cried for hours on end before falling asleep. And thus, at 11 years old, Louis' whole world began to fall apart.

*end of flashback*

Tears pricked his eyes as he walked just a bit faster. Not a day went by that he didn't think about that day. Never had he thought he was really upsetting people enough to make them hate him. Louis cringed at the word. There it was again.

Never.

So many lies held in one little word. Shaking his head, he walked up the steps to his front door, swiftly opening it. No one ever visited him, no one cared, so why lock it?

Stepping inside the warm environment, he felt as safe as he could in his condition. Louis sat down as he thought about all the people. So many people stare at him. Tears brimmed in his eyes.

Insecure. He was so, so insecure, he just wanted to die then know, or even think, about what people thought about him.

Why did he of all people have to be like this? Why was he the human target? Where was his savior? When did he finally get a rest? All these questions lay in front of him, unanswered. He was impatient. His eyes drifted shut from exhaustion. Closing them, slowly drifting away from the harsh world, one last thought swam in his mind.

'Maybe I won't have to wait any longer and answer them myself. Put myself, to rest.' That's all he really wanted.

Peace.

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