Heartbreak

1.

The bar was far from empty. It seemed like everyone from the block came to have a good time and party with their friends. Must be nice. Instead of puffy eyes, running mascara, and what felt like a tattooed frown, everyone else seemed to be wearing their best clothes and flashy smiles, but whether they were real or not I'll never know.

How I managed to get to the bar from the hard tile floor in my bathroom is beyond me, but I made it. The dim light inside helped my eyes a lot better than the strobe lights that were on outside. The low faint of music made my headache worse, but I hoped that the amount of alcohol I was about to consume would make sure I didn't have a headache again until at least two mornings from now.

I can't explain what was going on inside my head. Maybe it was nothing, maybe it was everything. Maybe I couldn't live without him, maybe I really did need him. I wouldn't have wished whatever I was feeling on anyone, not even him.

"What can I get for you?" The cool, pale skinned bartender asked as I sat down. He looked to be in his early twenties with piercing blue eyes and a jaw that could cut a brick in half.

"I would say that whole bottle you have in your hand," I gestured toward the bottle of vodka that he was holding from serving the guy three seats down from me. "But, I should probably just settle for a shot," I handed him my card. "Hold onto this; you'll need it. If you don't take it now, you probably won't see it later. But don't worry, I live a walking distance from here, so I'll be fine." I tried giving a fake smile, but my lips wouldn't curl up.

"I need to see your I.D. first, miss," he said politely with a small smile. From his smile, I doubted he smiled a lot. Not because he was ugly, because God was he not, but because the smile held something... Something that was just different from any smile I'd seen before.

"Weird, I'm not usually carded here, but okay," I said in a tone just higher than a whisper. It was the truth, honestly. I had to fish around my wallet for my fake because I hadn't had to use it in a while.

"I guess you're good to go, Ms. Terra." He smiled again. God, what a smile.

He poured my shot and before he could set it in front of me, I took it from him and brought it to my lips. "Bottoms up." I said gesturing towards him with my glass before throwing my head back and squeezing my eyes shut.

Nothing felt better than this. The burning in my chest was the only sensation I could feel. I couldn't feel the cool air against my skin, or the sweat that was starting to form above my eyebrows, or the blood slowly rushing to my feet from sitting on the bar stool too long. The sadness in my chest deepened, but it deepened in an optimistic way that made it feel like it would be gone soon.

"I think it's time for you to head home, Terra." The bartender said coolly. I'd lost track of time, but if I could guess I'd say that I had been there at least three hours. It felt like I was glued to the seat; I didn't want to move.

"You know my name," I said, after peeling my lips apart. We hadn't talked since I got there.

He laughed. "Yeah, I do. I checked your ID earlier, remember?" I thought back to when I fished my fake out of my purse. Of course I remembered that.

"Speaking of names, what's yours?" I rested my head on my hand. The sudden movement made me feel dizzy.

"Derek." His voice was stern and deep. It sounded like he was talking on edge and his lungs were on fire every time he spoke. It felt like he didn't want to talk anymore.

I waited for him to say something else. When he didn't, I said, "Well, Derek.." I smirked and tried to stand on my feet. "I guess I'll be going now." I stumbled a bit and he cocked his eyebrow up at me. "I'm fine, I'm fine." I definitely was not fine. The room was spinning and my legs felt like jello.

He looked at me like that for a little while longer, waiting for me to start walking away. His lips curled into a smile and he came around the bar to take my arm. "Here, let me help y-"

"No, no," I said, pulling my arm away from him before he could touch me. I looked at him like he'd just killed my mother.

"Hey, I'm just trying to he-"

"No." That was dry. He was trying to be nice to me, but I didn't want him to be. "Look, the last guy that tried to play superman broke my heart. I'll be fine. I've done this more than once."

"Fair enough," he backed away from me. "See you around."

• • • • •

I was wrong. I could still feel the headache, only now it was worse. It felt like my head could explode at any second. And the worst part? The pain wasn't gone. I could feel every ache in my bones. I could feel the pounding of my heart. I could feel the lump in my throat. I could feel everything.

Now was the time to start asking myself if it would ever get better. I guess that deep down, I knew it would. But I didn't think that it would be so soon.

Knock knock knock

"I'll be there in a second," I yelled, trying to get up from the slump in the couch I had formed from laying there so long. I put a hand on my head and squeezed my eyes shut before reaching for the door.

"Good morning." A familiar face greeted me with a smile when I opened the door. He had two coffee cups in his hand from Monty's Cafe a few blocks down.

"Uh, hi?" I questioned. "How do you know where I live? Are you some kind of stalker or something? Should I call the cops?" Clearly I didn't think he meant any harm, but my head was pounding and I wanted him to leave so I could go back to the couch and continue to wallow in my despair.

"I walked you home last night." He looked down to avoid eye contact. "Okay, actually, I followed you to make sure you got here safely." He looked back up at me and smiled sheepishly. "I'm sorry if I invaded your privacy."

Honestly? I didn't care. He could have been some creepy stalker guy and I wouldn't have cared. Privacy invasion was the least of my concerns at this point, so I ignored it. "What's with the coffee?"

"Well, actually, it's vanilla cappuccino. I didn't know what you liked so-"

"So, you figured since I'm a girl I'd like cappuccino?" I snapped sarcastically.

He looked embarrassed. "Well, uh-"

"You were right," I laughed, and took the cup from him. "Relax. You wanna come in? There's a Harry Potter marathon on."

"Actually, I have to go to work. Early drinkers and all, you know..." He trailed off.

"Oh yeah, yeah." I felt stupid. Why did I even ask? "Well, thanks for the cappuccino. I'll see you, I guess." I fake smiled.

"No, I don't think you will. Not at the bar at least..." He winked, and left on his way.