The Big Book of Fairy Tales & Nightmares

The Depths

The Depths

Nightmare

It's not sadness. That's what they don't understand.

Most of the time you don't even remember what sad feels like anymore. It's just another norm. A constant that has been running strong under everything else for so long, that you start to forget about it. It becomes easy to ignore. They think that a little smile and feeling happy again will cure it all and bring you out of the trance. They still fail to see that you can be happy even while you continue to live in sadness. But happiness merely means feeling content. And that doesn't help you to feel alive.

It's like you're underwater. Every thing is cold and harsh and so hard to deal with that your body goes numb. Numb, dead, unfeeeling, desensetized, take your pick. You pass through repetitive motions without thinking, and normal things become hard to remember. But inside, your mind is raging. Thinking of the wildest things you could possibly imagine. Every thing is tainted in a pale greyscale. The body is a lifeless prison that holds you down as you try to escape from your own mind, the what if's play in your head over and over and over again.

What if, I didn't wake up tomorrow? What if, none of this was real? What if, my life is just a repetition of the same mistakes? What if, I never learn? What if, I just ended it all now? What if, I regret it?

Pain and adrenaline become your new best friends - it becomes a syndicate to what it was like to once feel alive. And though it is so subtle you would never know when the change happened, very quickly this saint and salvation that you thought so wonderful, turns into a demon that is tearing you apart. It wears out fast and you crave more. Even something that you would once have seen as truly terrifying can turn into a much loved addiction. You start to push boundaries and test your limits. So much so that almost nothing seems to scare you. You can start simple with a horror movie, a roller coaster. But after the first time you no longer scream. There is nothing to fear when you don't fear death. But that becomes a problem when you can no longer see the end of the road.

Of course, you could always try to fight your way out of it. But as with all things, it is only a matter of time before you get pulled back in. Pushed back down into the depths of your own imagination. You stop thinking, because it makes you question things you don't have an answer to. You can always do what the others have fallen to. Make up stories and pretend. Believe in a saviour, believe in a lie. But it always comes back down to the same thing. No matter how hard you fight it you will be pulled back. Relapse. Repeat. Easy and simple. No more than a routine.

It feels like you're sleepwalking, towards the edge of a cliff and you can't wake up. No amount of screaming and shouting can change anything. Nothing but the sharp crunch of breaking bones and raging pain in that split second before your skull hits the bottom of that ditch. That moment when you realise that you didn't want this, after all. And that's the what scares you the most.

~.~.~

That’s what it feels like. That’s the real terror…But they don’t get it. They never did.