The Big Book of Fairy Tales & Nightmares

Identity Disorder

Identity Disorder

Nightmare

Before you step out onto the stage, there are always nerves. Sometimes, it gets so bad that you are left shaking, unable to move. The wildest reflections of low self esteem - from the deepest crevices of your mind - all suddenly appear and attack. Fear takes over rational thinking as you begin to torture yourself with the “what if”’s.

What if I’m not good enough?

What if they don’t like me?

What if they look at me differently after this?

What if everyone leaves me?

What if, what if, what if…

But the moment you set foot on the tired floorboards - that creek and groan under the slightest weight and pressure - everything else seems to slip away. It’s just you, with nothing and no one else. That paranoid feeling that everyone is constantly watching and judging disappears, because in the back of your mind that you know that the audience is there. They see a performance - too absorbed in the complex facade of a superficial soap opera, to look past your character and care about what you do as a person.

You know exactly what you are doing and that alone, is reason enough for you to gain the confidence you so often lack. No one and nothing else matters. You are drawn into the depths of your imagination - the lie is wonderland and you are Alice. Your world of fiction is an alternate reality; an easy escape.

You act. You pretend. You smile. You laugh… You enter a detached state and leave all your cares and worries behind. You might even venture so far as to call this little world of make belief a state of pure bliss.

It is wonderful.

Unfortunately, and far too quickly - just as it is with everything else - it becomes evident that all good things must come to an end. Too soon, the curtains draw to a close. You are left alone in the middle of the stage, as the whole world comes back and hits you like a sharp slap across your face. And with reality, the walls you’ve so carefully built come crashing down around you.

You can see people busy clearing the stage and taking apart the set; from the other side of the heavy red fabric, you can still hear applause and laughter.

You are respected for your performance and you love the attention. But at the same time, you begin to wonder why you never seem to be simply respected for being yourself. You are left in the middle of the stage, alone and forgotten. The lights go out and the last of the cast and crew leave the theatre. And that’s when you start to ask yourself, why real life can’t ever seem to give you that same level of satisfaction. Why, it seems that no one appreciates you.

You start to believe that you are the problem. You take every little joking insult to heart and you truly start to think that you are simply worthless. You are the problem. You are nothing. This is your fault. It is your fault. It is all your fault. It is always your fault.  And when you realise that, you just start to hate yourself more, because you know deep down inside that this was all caused by your own wild imagination and that the sadness you feel is really your own fault. And you hate that.

You hate that but you don’t know how to change it so you just leave it and it becomes a vicious cycle of hate because you know that you caused this. The over-thinking, the paranoia, the anxiety… you have essentially given it to yourself. You hate it. And you hate that you have to hate it. And you hate that it makes you hate yourself. And that just makes you hate yourself even more. And everything is getting faster and moving too quickly and your head is spinning with a rush of thoughts and you can’t seem to control anything anymore as it all spirals so quickly out of control and you are left on the floor in tears, lost and numb and alone in a sobbing mess on the floor. And. You. Hate. It.