"Pez wake up" I heard Jesy's bliss raspy morning voice say sweetly through the curtain of my bunk on the no longer in motion tour bus " Five more minutes please" I whined muffled by the pillow my face is shoved into.
"Pez you said that five minutes ago. Get up now." She refused to leave me alone. I honestly was so confused with my feelings she was the last thing I wanted to see when I first woke up. Yet she's last thing I always wanted to see a night when my head hit the pillow. Make sure she would be safe for the night. She was the source of all my happiness. The root of all my depression. I hate her. But I love her. I hate that I love her.
I groaned something inaudible at Jesy and flipped her off. She held her hand over her chest and gasped exaggeratedly mocking hurt. I rolled my eyes at her and started walking towards the front of the bus
"Hey are you mad at me." She followed after me her tone paced with confusion. My face softened. I turned around. "No sorry I'm just not a morning person Jes." I lied
"Okay good" she giggled and kissed my cheek. I'm seriously starting to think she's doing these things just to piss me off. That innocent giggle of hers is not on I hear very often. God this girl does things to me.
She makes me want to slap her but at the same time I dream about locking lips with her. I can't deal with her. She makes me feel things I don't want to feel. She making me someone I don't want to be.
I ran to the bathroom and close the door. I slid down the bathroom wall and put my head in my knees. "There's always the pills in the cabinet, the blades in your makeup bags" I heard the voice in my head repeat over and over again. Pills and blades. Those both sound like a great option as of right now. I reach for my makeup bag that was sitting on the toilet next to me. I found a razor. I broke it to receive the sharpest pieces that I could find. Where to cut. Where to cut. All my outfits are so damn reavealing. God what am I doing. I drop the blade to floor. I can't cut. I just really want to. I'm so mentally torn I need help. I scream out in frustration.
I hear the sound of running feet getting louder as they approached the small restroom. "Perrie are you okay" I heard Jesy ask worryingly through the door " yes I'm just fine leave me alone" I reiterated. " I know your not fine Perrie open the door" "I'm not a child I can take care of myself please just leave." I try again my voice cracking "please." I heard the door click open. She obviously didn't get my memo "oh my gosh Pezza" she tried to embrace me in a hug but I flinched out of her touch.
I got up and walked calmly to the front of the bus to where Jade and Leigh were casually talking. "Morning guys" they both looked at me like they had saw ghosts. "A-are you okay?" Leigh Anne stuttered. I nodded. "Why wouldn't I be" I laughed lightheartedly. I poured some milk into a bowl of cereal." You sure your okay" Jesy asked me I didn't answer instead I took my bowl of cereal to my bunk. I put on my headphones and turned up the volume of my phone slipping into another world
*************************************************
"Pez wake up we have a concert to do." I was startled by the feeling of someone shaking me. My eyes fluttered open to see Jesy's sparking green orbs staring into mine contently. " you sure you're okay to preform tonight pez?" Oh how I just love when she calls me that. Literally makes my heart flutter.
I nodded and smiled half-heartedly. She walked out of the bus for me soon to follow after her and leap into her back. She yelped but soon realized it was just me and laughed along with the other two girls beside her as we walked to the arena's backstage dressing room areas.
Just a touch of your love is enough to take a toll on my whole body
Jesy sang. Oh god those lyrics relate to my current
Situation. You see Jesy is manipulative without even knowing, or at least I think she doesn't know. Her shy smiles, her innocent giggles, its like whenever the least bit as look at me I die a little more inside knowing she's never going to love me the way I cherish her at heart.
We walked off the stage after the show. The same as always, we sang, interacted with fans, I couldn't keep my mind off Jessica. You know the usual.
We made our way back to tour bus. "Hey great show tonight girls you really killed those Leigh" Jade finally decided to speak up.
"Aww thanks poopey" Leigh Mocked. Jades cheeks went completely cherry red.
I climbed on to the coach on the spacious front area of the tour bus. Jesy lay next to me wrapping her arms around my waist." Jes whatcha doing" I asked her
"Giving you a cuddle" I was shook
"Are you drunk"
"No, now shut up and cuddle me you're really warm you know."
I finally relaxed into her embrace. I had such a bipolar relationship with her. 'LOL Relationship she'll never love you' I thought to myself and accidentally laughed out loud. Jesy looked at me confused
" what's funny"
"Nothing it's just nevermind" I answered.
She nodded and rested her head on my shoulder
I just wanna scream out till me voice breaks
Even if the tears fall and my heart hates me
I just wanna know how I can save me
Even if these three words choke and take me
Baby I love you.
