"Hey Jes What ya doing" I asked her confusedly walking into the miniature kitchen section of the tour bus. She whipped her head towards my direction so I could clearly see her bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks. I gasped maybe a little dramatically but this was important. Why in gods name was she crying.
"Oh my god Jes what the hell is wrong with you"I asked worryingly rushing over to her side and wrapping my arm around her cautiously. She shimmied out of my embrace quickly and shook her head
" Perrie stop this. Whatever you're doing stop because I don't care for it. Whatever feelings you may have had for me drop them because I don't," She stopped in the middle of her little speech and stared into my eyes contently. She abruptly started speaking again " I'm sorry I just, I can't I just can't" she finished and walked off leaving me dumbfounded.
I never needed you like I do right now.
I started to follow her but I felt the pulling force if two hands keeping me back.
"Per she isn't in the mood to see you right now. Just give her space." I struggled to free myself from her grasp but her hands were clamped Ever so tightly on my wrist.
"Please Leigh just let go of me please" I had never heard so much desperation in my voice. Leigh just looked at me sternly showing no pity for the amount of tears running down my Redding face and sobs escaping my lips.
Giving up I collasped on the wood flooring of the spacious tour bus and sobbed. Leigh finally let go of me and consoled me. Taking this as a great opportunity to run into the bathroom. I sat up and dashed Into the tiny bathroom space where I kept all of my razors. You know just incase.
Couldn't see the rain we were to busy making hurricanes.
I chucked one of the razors onto the ground breaking it into about a million small sharp pieces. I picked one up and stared immensely at it. I carefully pulled up my shirt and pressed the silver razor to the the pale skin of my waist. I winced watching the Crimson blood bubble out of my skin but a greedy smile replaced my expression soon after.
One for all of my flaws.
Not all at one time though that would cover my entire waist.
The voices in my head spiraled throughout my thought like a whirlpool. A field of broken dreams following a pain infested stream pain grows in my chest heart pieces fill the rest.
Wishing she'd see me but knowing she sees through me hope leaves my mind and pain is all I may find.
I always try to hide my feelings. To you they hold little meaning. Knowing no ones there, Because no one cares.
I was so caught up in my thoughts I didn't even hear my friends constant banging at the door " Perrie please open the door I care about ".
I soon figured the fact that it wasn't Leigh's or Jades voice it was in fact Jesy.
She cares about me. I never would've guessed after that little stunt she pulled half an hour prior to this situation.
I gave in after a while. I'm weak I know but I just couldn't stand to leave her like that. That's selfish very selfish and I don't want my title in her eyes to be a selfish bipolar self harming bitch. Even if that's exactly what i am.
I dropped the Razor blade and quickly clicked it open. To Reveal a Short Ginger figure with a desperate look in her eyes. Her hazelish green orbs searched my body frantically. Almost as if she knew I had just self-harmed. Assuming she saw the huge red stain on the side of my shirt just my luck she pulled up my shirt automatically. She gasped at what she saw.
She shook her head vigorously. "Please tell me you didn't-".
She stopped mid sentence. Assuming already what she was gonna ask I nodded slowly afraid to anger the older girl.
She mouthed why and unable to get anything out I just shrugged. " THAT DOESN'T ANWSER MY FUCKING QUESTION PERRIE WHY WOULD YOU CUT" the gingers sudden change in mood scared me so I flinched back slightly. I guess she noticed the action and calmed Down a bit.
" was i- was it over me" I didn't answer but knowing the answer already set the older girl off into a screaming fit
" WHY THOUGH PERRIE WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH ME TO GET TO THE POINT OF SELF HARMING OVER ME. STOP PEZ SNAP OUT OF IT ILL NEVER LIKE YOU CAN YOU JUST GET THAT THROUGH YOUR OWN SELFISH HEAD YOU HAVE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO WOULD BE WILLING TO DATE YOU WHY CHOOSE ME IM NOT THE PERSON YOU WANT TO DATE I JUST HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND LAST NIGHT IM NOT CAPABLE OF LOVE OR COMMITMENT JUST GIVE IT UP." by now there were literal imaginary tears running down my face. No emotion whatsoever. I wanted to cry to feel something but I couldn't. Nothing left to feel. Nothing left to cry.
I stood in the same spot for a long time contemplating her words.
Was Jesy really not capable of love. I mean she did have a lot of random men on a regular basis but that didn't mean she wasn't capable of learning to love. It just means she set boundaries for herself she needs to learn to step out of.
But no matter how much I try to stop thinking about her these three words always come swirling back into my brain.
I care about you
I never needed you like I do right now I never needed you like I do right now cause all you ever do is make me cry.
I never needed you like I do right now cause all you ever do is make me.
