I guess it's funnier from where you're standing.
I care about you. Yea it's true and I've expressed these feelings too you before and I'm desperate but you're way too ignorant so maybe we're both at fault for us not being together
I'd be smiling if I wasn't so desperate.
Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm too angry, too hard on you because you're still trying to recover from a split engagement that lasted years. And so you're drinking and sleeping around to hide the fact that you're actually defeated.
I'd be less angry if it was my decision
And maybe If you'd open your eyes and stop making cover stories you'd see that you might just have some people who care for you.
Some more than others.
But your alcoholism problem and your so called 'fear of commitment' blinds you from the entire world so that's not happening anytime soon.
I usually don't care about what people think of me but you're an exception I'm fucked up as it is and your words don't help your longing stares and capturing orbs don't help. Your laugh, your smile, your accent, your looks, your personality I fucking hate it.
Because I fucking love you.
Because I love your longing stares, your capturing eyes, your laugh, your smile, your accent,your looks, your personality, I love it all; because I love you.
And I wish you knew I really do. There's a wrenching gut feeling in my stomach. There's a huge hole in my heart where you should be. Maybe if I found some elaborate plan to tell you how I really feel then maybe you'd slightly understand how I'm feeling.
Maybe
I'll be your clown, behind the glass
"Pez we have to go get ready,"
I buried my face In my pillow and blew my cheeks up with air. Then letting releasing it I replied with a simple,
"I'd rather not,"
My voice had drastically differentiated from what it had sounded like last night. I sounded throaty, scratchy, I sounded sad and desperate but most importantly, I sounded defeated. I'm so readable.
"Jesus Perrie get off your ass it's time to go. Get over yourself,"
Jesy huffed and stomped off. Throwing the pillow off my face I climbed down from my bunk and dragged my self towards the bus door where the other girls were standing waiting for me I presumed.
"Christ Perrie you look like death," Leigh-Anne muttered
"Yea I feel like it too," I replied half- heartedly rolling my eyes.
We made our way to hair and makeup. Barely speaking once we got there and it was obvious to the others that there was tension between me and Jesy you could cut with a butcher knife. But they didn't say anything. In a way I was grateful.
While getting into our costumes, Jade finally spoke up and uttered what was on all of our minds.
"So what's going on with you two?" She asked obviously referring to Jesy and I
I glanced at The older girl and then back at Jade and Leigh-Anne. I opened my mouth to speak but was interrupted.
"There's nothing going on. Really it's just one of us trying to make something out of literally nothing," She replied and very arrogantly may I add.
"I don't believe that the case at all. I think our issue is that you don't want to admit that you have a promblem. You have a drinking problem you're sleeping around and using "commitment issue" to cover up the fact that you're becoming a full blown a alcoholic. I think your issue is your drinking and sleeping around not to cover up the fact that you're not over a relationship but to cover up the fact that you're in love with someone else which you already knew. Before you even got out of that relationship. But you're scared to admit so you drink and have sex and come up with excuses and treat me like absolute shit because you're a pushover and you're hurting the one you love most in the process,"
I sighed and walked out to the area behind the stage where we stood before shows. Jade and Leigh stood shocked before hurriedly scurrying over to our designated area. Jesy trudged over with tears threatening to break from her waterline. This was going to be a hell of a conversation tonight.
*************************************************
The girls and I had stripped back to our nightly attire after the show and I was casually strolling through Instagram when I got the cue I was counting on that night.
A text from the hazel eyed girl, "hey can we talk," had popped on at the top of my phone. I pondered for a minute. Truth be told I'm not proud of anything really that had slipped past my unforgiving lips. I probably embarrassed Jesy and a conversation like that should've been withheld till we had some privacy. But she provoked it. And it had been on my chest for way too long.
I walked up to her bunk where a flash of a bright white phone screen shone through. I lingered there admiring the older girls beauty before finally gathering up the courage to knock on the wood outside the bunk and sliding the curtain to the side a bit.
Her eyes. They shone brighter than a million suns. And through distraught features she's stared at me. It was obvious she had been crying. An idiot could tell you. In fact an idiot is telling you that.
She stared at me for a while. Barely blinking and hardly breaking eye contact. I stared back at her. She had a blank expression. I looked at her intently. Trying to figure out what was going through that pretty little head of hers but her expression was utterly unreadable.
We stayed like that for a little while. Not breaking eye contact we just looked at each other. Not bothering to talk. Because that would ruin things. We just sat there.
Jesy eventually looked away as did I. She looked at the top of her bunk and her breathing gradually got heavier. She puffed up her cheeks, let out the air and sighed profusely. As if she was trying to rack up enough courage to mutter a few measly words.
"You're right Perrie,"
I'll be your clown
Behind the glass
Go ahead and laugh Cuz it's funny
I would too if I saw me
_________________________________
Oof. I'm back y'all. I'm can't apologize enough for not updating for so long. I've just been dealing with so much shit atm so I took a long break from social media. But I am back and definitely better. It's 3:00 a.m where I am and I can't sleep so I decided to write a chapter. Here y'all go. I haven't written much in a while so feedback ?
