Life As We Knew It

Chapter Nine: Realizations and Reoccurrences

My eyes open with a slight burn from all the crying yesterday and I stare at the ceiling, trying to remember where I am. I don't recognize this ceiling. Or this uncomfortable bed. Or this cold pillow.
I arch my back and stretch my arms and legs out, trying to shake away the sleepiness. I look up even further and find Carlisle staring down at me.
"Good morning." he whispers. I smile and sit up, turning around to look at him.
"You fell asleep in my arms last night when you were crying. So I put you in bed." he says, sliding out of the bed.
"Get up, we've got a big day ahead of us." he says, tossing me a towel. I grab it and stand up, taking my boots off.
I glance over at him and see him looking out the window. I quickly tear my sweatshirt off and pull my jeans down filled by my underwear and bra. I step into the makeshift shower and feel the cold water fall down my dirty skin, turning it brown.
Once I am all clean, I peak my head out to make sure Carlisle is not looking. I find him standing right where he was by the window. Grabbing the towel from the bed, I pull it around me and go to the dresser to search for clothes.
"The women's clothes are in the closet." he says. I jump when I hear how close he is. I look back and see him right behind me, looking at the clothes in the dresser.
"Thank you."
I walk to the closet and look through the different dresses, finally settling on a dark blue dress with long sleeves that stops just below the knee. I drop my towel without looking first and pull my underwear on. I pull my dress up and stop it at my waist. Sliding my arms through the straps of my bra, my hands fumble with the clasp on the back.
I feel Carlisle's cold hands move mine out of the way and hook my bra. He slides the dress up the rest of the way and I shove my arms through. Moving my hair to the side first, he zips up the dress for me.
"Thank you." I say again. I turn around to find him so close to me that I feel his breath on my face. I stare up into his black eyes, feeling myself drawn to him. His hand reaches up and tucks a strand of wet hair behind my ear.
I lean into his touch, my eyes closing as I feel his skin against mine. I look up and see him seeming to be internally fighting with himself.
"What is it?" I ask softly, reaching up to hold his hand against my cheek.
"I shouldn't...be around you, Esme. I'm not good for you."
"Carlisle, I don't care that you used to be a soldier. I don't want to be away from you." I tell him, my other hand reaching up to lay on his chest. He sighs, squeezing his eyes shut.
"No," he says, stepping away from me, my arms falling to my side.
"It's not that. I'm dangerous. I could hurt you."
"I trust you. You won't hurt me. I know you won't." I say, stepping toward him.
"No, Esme. You don't know. You don't know what i'm capable of. You don't even know who I am."
"Yes I do. You're Carlisle Cullen. You're the kindest, most gentle, thoughtful man I've known. You aren't capable of hurting anyone." I tell him, becoming upset.
"I'm more capable than you think Esme. If you really knew what I was-"
"Then tell me! I want to know you. I want to accept you. I want you to trust me like I do you." I say, still walking toward him.
"I can't!" he says, his back hitting the wall as he runs out of room. I stop when I realize what he is saying.
"You don't...want me." I say softly, looking at the wall beside him.
"What? Esme-"
"You don't. Or you would tell me. You really do think I'm reform school trash."
"No! I really....." he stops himself as he seems to think about something.
"You're right." he says coldly. I look up at him with a mix of hurt and surprise.
"That's exactly what I think. I don't want to be around someone who-"
"Who what?" I ask.
"Who opens her legs for any soldier." he finishes quietly. My eyebrows knit together and I feel my heart shatter. Tears flow down my cheeks like an endless river and I turn away from him.
"I didn't choose that and you know it." I say angrily.
"Get out." I whimper.
"Esme, look-"
"Get out! I don't want to see you ever again. Get out." I shout at him. He quickly leaves and I crumple to the ground, feeling my emotions pour out of me. What was I thinking? Why would Carlisle love me? Why did I think I was good enough?
A few hours passed and I lay on the ground, my tears having dried up a while ago. Feeling numb and claustrophobic, I slowly stand up and open the window. The feeling of the cold air on my body was soothing so I climbed out into the fire escape which was too small.
I numbly climb down the ladder and walk aimlessly through the town, feeling myself trip and stumble over my own feet. Bright lights shine on me and I don't even flinch. I don't process what is going on as men yell at me in harsh tones and grab my arms. I am shoved into a vehicle and I close my eyes, wanting to wake up in my bedroom at home with my mother.