Unaccustomed: Urban

Accustomed to Blame

"Good morning Kaia." Sidney smiled motioning towards the couch. I had a seat and she sat in her chair.

"Good morning Sidney."

"So how was your week." I thought for a minute about Josiah. He had been giving me the silent treatment for a while now.

"I haven't been seeing a point in life lately." I admitted. She frowned.

"Why is that?"

"My life been fucked up since birth. I'm a bastard child. My daddy had a whole wife when my brother was born. He had a whole wife when I was born. I didn't know at first, but as I got older, I saw how he was rarely around. One day, he just stopped coming. I was like ten. I was a little girl. I thought I was his angel. How could he leave his angel? I heard the streets talking. Everyone knew what I was. Everyone knows. "

I broke down in tears right there on the couch. Sidney sat there and watched until I got myself together.

"Have you tried to contact him?" Sidney asked.

"I looked for his number, but I can barely find a picture of him in my house. My mom destroyed it all." I said.

"You have to forgive him, and know that you can't blame yourself for his mistakes." Sidney said. I nodded.

"Yeah. I'm working on it." I nodded.

"Seems like there's more on your mind." Sidney said.

"My ex, Thai, he had a girlfriend. I guess I can't call him my ex because he was never mine, but he did the same thing to me." I said.

"It's not exactly the same thing. There's no child-" she stopped and just starred at me.

"I was embarrassed. Everyone found out that I was sleeping with him while he had a girlfriend. He started telling people that I begged him to fuck with me, and he always made me delete messages, so I had no way to show that he was lying." I said.

"I'm not going to say what you did was right, but you can't beat yourself up about it."

"Yes I can. At the end of the day, that baby didn't ask to be put inside of me. When did I become God? When did I become responsible for dictating life and death?" I asked.

"Kaia."

"I could have tried adoption. I could have loved that baby with my whole heart, but my mom set the appointment. King dropped me off, and told me that if I came home pregnant me and the baby were dead."

"Kaia I know it's hard, but you have to forgive your family. You have to forgive yourself. That little angel is watching over you now, routing for mommy to show everyone why they should have been routing for her too." Sidney said. I smiled.

I realized I had grown accustomed to blaming myself. I needed to let others share the blame; it wasn't all mine.

"I have to keep pushing. I'll show my little angel that I'm not the fuck up everybody sees me as." I smiled.

She nodded.

"Thanks for your openness Kaia." Sidney smiled.

"Thanks for listening." I stood up and shook her hand before leaving her office.

I walked in on Josiah and Karly having their usual love fest on the couch. I sat down beside them turning the tv on animal planet. The man started talking and they both looked up at me.

"Oh hey." I smiled.

"What is wrong with you?" Karly mumbled.

"Whatsoever do you mean?" I asked innocently.

"Can you chill and go to your room." Josiah asked.

"Can you chill and go home?" I asked.

"Can you?" He asked. I laughed cause I knew he wanted me to be mad.

"You funny."