Diary Entries

Monday December 26, 2016 12:49 AM

maybe in a year all of this wont matter but I hate it. I just want to love and yet why is it so hard? Not love just from my boyfriend, but from my parents, my family or so called family. I love my boyfriend so much. It hurts. What is life without love? why dont you teach me not to love instead? I'll always put my education first. im not as stupid as you think. my happiness doesnt rely on him. I know what I want and what I want doesnt cost a lot, or much really. I want acceptance. I want to be understood.

I cant help but feel suicidal sometimes, but when I catch myself in those thoughts, i know I shouldnt be thinking like that. I have no reason to? right???

another thing. Family. sure family is important. at least thats what I thought when I was younger. Although im still a teenager I could be wrong more than likely. Family isnt everything. family understands, accepts, and listens to you. I really only have 4 people who do that for me. They're my family. I see why some people, who used to be bright and cheerful can turn into someone dark and gloomy. I really want to push everyone out of my life right now. I want to be alone, but not alone. To be with people who understand.

My mental health is falling, the triangle is dying. help. my cries for help stay in my bed and fall into my pillow. alone I always am. outcasted. invisible. People who can get help with this kind of depression are lucky. is it even depression? its probably just my mental health is all. I know suicide isnt the answer. its a permanent solution to something temporary, yet I always think of it. more than often that I use to. My addiction to my phone helps me. Im away from displacing my anger or hurt on anyone. im staying busy and not hurting myself. i cant stand to be alone yet i say its okay to go.

What is love? Please tell me.

I'm a disappointment I know sorry. Im not everything you want me to be. I'm not up to your expectations. Im just trying to do me, but im not enough. I cant do it all. This is too much for me to handle at times. I hate being alone. Having to be alone with my head, thinking of situations that would nrver happen but there's always a possibility. I never want to let anyone down, but I continue to do it. I know. I shouldn't let peoples opnion get to me, but they somehow do. They always do. I'm trying to find myself, but I cant seem to find me. I feel like ive been trapped in an ice block with everyone moving forward in the middle of summer but im left behind. left with no one to guide me, nor anyone to help except for the little ants. the smallest things in life mean the biggest. again,

What is love? Tell me.

1:13 AM.