Falsify Me

3- Comprehension

This confusion surrounds me.

It's a state of constancy.

I can't seem to understand anything, I'm drowning, still drowning.

The world is closing in on me and I can't breathe. I'm crying as I type this, wondering since when I was limited to expressing my feelings with words on a screen.

I can't understand. What happened to me, who you are, what you've done. It's all out of my reach. I will never fully comprehend what is going on around me, even when it has nothing to do with you.

I'm scared of the oblivion inside me.

It's growing, I see it.

I'm scared of all the signs I never read and all the warnings I never followed.

I can't understand how someone could take careful time and planning into manipulating another human being. How, if things went the way you wanted, we would be together now in Hawaii, I would be a mother, your trophy wife, your slave...just how you pictured it...

I can't believe how barely I scraped that awful future.

You, who sold pornographic photos of mere children and was involved in the heinous act of sex trafficking.

You, who put on the face of a 16 year old, when you're nothing near that age.

You, who told me you loved me, told me you would kill yourself without me. Convincing me that normal relationships involved sacrifices, and my sacrifice was my freedom.

You, who tore everything into shreds and laughed about it.

I can't comprehend my hate towards you. I can't.

And that in itself is the scariest part of all of this. How did I come to spend 8 awful months of my life with someone who was sucking the life out of me? Stripping me of my dignity, my innocence, my life? How the HELL did no one, not even me, notice the changes? How easily I was angered, how often I was sick, how I flinched and cowered away at loud noises and quick movements...

I wish someone could have saved me from your horror. I wish someone could have been there to hold my hands and hug me tight. I needed more than anything, someone.

And you kept telling me you were that someone. You turned the tables. 'You're parents are against you. Your friends are against you,' and I believed it. You became the good guy, the only dependable shoulder...

I shudder at the thought of your image. Your jet black hair, soft brown eyes, caramel colored skin...the begging look you gave me when you needed something. That something I always refused until I didn't.

"He wasn't always bad," I said meekly, to the lady in front of me looking ready to collapse. It was nearly the end of the hour and I finally spoke up. She finally had something to grasp.

"How is that? Do you mind-"

"No, I don't, I'll explain it all...you see, I was sick last march, very sick to the point where my voice was all raspy and I couldn't form a single audible sentence. I happened to be on a school trip, so I stayed in hotel room after hotel room for four nights. One night, he decided to call me and so we talked on Skype...for three long hours. I lay on my side, huddled in a big fluffy blanket, looking towards the computer screen. He talked the whole three hours, he was good at talking. He kept me company when I was alone, something he did so often, he was good at that too. We laughed and chatted, at one point I think we even fell asleep on camera. It was the best time I had with him. Of course, the best times always were...when he wasn't there in person. When he was there in person...I can't bring myself to tell you. 

"But I guess...what I'm trying to say is he wasn't always a bad person. He tried to be a good boyfriend... I always just thought he was bad at it. But then later...now even....I know it was all part of the scheme. Part of his plan. He was just going through the motions, and so even the good moments mean nothing to me." A timer rang just as I stopped, and without thinking, I stood, grabbed my stuff and walked to the door.

"I hope we can talk further next time." She suggested, waddling to the door beside me.

"I don't,"  I said, under my breath so she couldn't hear.  And during our next visit, I didn't say another word.

A/N: Whew. There you have it. I wouldn't expect speedy updates with this thing, it takes quite a bit out of me to write about this and find the strength to post it. I know a lot of this is confusion, but I'll make sure to explain it all in later parts. This is very personal to me so its hard to write...I hope ya'll understand. But- thank you for reading anyway.