I had an almost good day. But as those always do, it reverted to a morbid reminder of my reality. The reality I wish was just the figment of some cruel joke.
But...When will the joke end? When will I wake up and sigh, saying "THANK GOD! It was all a dream!" When? Because I am becoming sorely tired of this sick present, and I want it all to vanish as quickly as it occurred.
But that never seems to be the case.
And today I had an ugly revelation. Like I said, it was almost a good day. I had fun, I smiled, I laughed. It was almost like I had forgotten the past, forgotten what had happened, what you did. But as always, my forgetfulness escaped me at an unforgiving time. The revelation, then: I can forget about it all as long as my mind allows, and you- you can never forget it, as hard as you try.
Because no matter what, you will be in prison. Everything around you will keep you in this present, and no escape will ever come to you. Your mind cannot simply forget the horrors, because you are living them on a daily basis. You are stripped of your freedom, encaged because of your actions, because of my actions...
And sometimes I remember that terrifying fact and I want to scream.
In all fairness, I always want to scream when I remember you. But it's different in a moment like that. It's different when I remember you remembering me- all the time. Like a pair of large beady eyes is always peeking at my memories of us, my person, my self. You watch me in another time, but you watch me nonetheless. The difference is too subtle, I couldn't make them apart.
When will I wake up? Why can't I? How is it that last night, when no one was home, at last I had a moment of silence? And that silence, oh how I spent it...Fully clothed in the shower, pulling out my hair under the hot water, laughing maniacally, screaming 'It's done, can it be done?! Why can't this be over?!'
If I watched myself in that moment...so vulnerable, so broken....what happened to me? The me I used to be? You destroyed her, you created a mess of my life. I was never like that. I never could have been. And it baffles me to know that one person, one mistake, can ruin it all. Perhaps not for eternity...but...this feels like an eternity.
So tell me then: when will this eternity end?
YOU ARE READING
Falsify Me
Non-FictionHe destroyed everything you were, everything you had. 'Your family won't know you now,' and they didn't. You abandon them as easily as your friends, you cant go back to them. He keeps your anxiety astray. But not for your sake, for his. This evil...
