Loving the Lonely

Chapter 14

With the hope of masking both her rage at Draco and the pain over what he'd done, Hermione hides herself among the towering shelves of books in the library, her nose buried deep in the pages. She very carefully doesn't think about how cowardly it makes her feel. She'd be in her room, but Theo is always in the dorm now, watching but never really speaking, and the library is the only other place she really feels safe going in to. 

Hermione hadn't meant to pick up the old habit again, had told herself time and again that no matter what other damaging habits she fell back into, pushing her friends away couldn't and shouldn't be one of them. She finds herself doing it anyway, though, which is why she's in the library now. 

Ginny, the clever woman that she is, had been the first one to notice it happening again, just over a week ago. 

Her gaze had narrowed on Hermione after Hermione had refused to spend the evening in the Gryffindor common room for the third time in as many days. Even with her eyes glinting like cold steel, though, her voice had been gentle when she'd asked, "are you alright, Hermione?" 

Hermione, who'd been trying to distract herself with a book, had looked up with a sharp breath and pressed a reassuring smile onto her lips. I'm miserable, I think, but I don't want to bother you with my problems. "I'm fine, Ginny, really. I'm just really feeling the pressure from end of year exams." 

Ginny had sighed and Hermione hadn't thought, and still doesn't think, for even a second that Ginny had actually believe her. But Ginny, of all people, knows what impact forcing someone to talk when they don't want to will have. 

"If you say so," she replied with a small shake of her head. "But, Hermione, just remember that if things do get as bad as they had been, I'm always here for you. Everyone is." 

Throat going tight, Hermione had scurried to her feet and hugged Ginny tight. She hid her frown in Ginny's shoulder and prayed that when they pulled back, the sheen in her eyes would be mistaken as happiness. 

Theo and Blaise were the next to notice, just this past weekend, and that confrontation had been far more explosive than Ginny's had been. 

"You don't always have to keep yourself so distance from us!" Blaise had exploded one evening in the middle of a conversation. Theo had gone stiff in his seat, his face blank and telling nothing of what his thoughts are. 

Hermione, startled by the sudden volume, had pressed back into her chair. The wish of wanting to simply fade away from her existence in this moment drifts through her mind. She suppresses it. "I'm not doing anything like that," she'd said, slowly. She's gripping the armrests so tightly that her fingers are going numb. 

Blaise bent a little at the waist, meeting her gaze better, and jabs a finger at her. She jerks backwards but can't move any farther away from him. "Don't lie to me," he'd hissed. Her gaze had slipped down to the floor when she'd caught sight of the hurt flooding into his eyes. "You're pushing us away again!" 

"Blaise, mate, you need to calm down," Theo murmurs, standing up and crossing to his friend. He grabs Blaise's shoulder and gives it a tug, not enough to pull him away, but enough to warn him that he shouldn't try to ignore Theo. "She already explained that she's stressed. We should be happy she wants to rest after so much studying. In fact, we should really follow her example." 

Hermione isn't so much of a fool as the let herself believe he had been agreeing with her or in anyway saying he believed her. She'd seen his disbelief the moment she'd given them that lie earlier that day. 

"That's what you really think?" Blaise had snapped, glaring at Theo over his shoulder. Hermione watched Theo's fingers dig into Blaise's skin, just a quick flash of pressure, before he eased his grip again.