It Will Always Be You

"Please. Say something."

Her voice quivered as I hear her stifle her sobs. I continued staring outside the window. Dark clouds are coming in and I can see streaks of lightning from afar. How apt.

I heaved a sigh and tried talking. "I.."

I hear her breathe in sharply probably in anticipation of my next words. But nothing came out.

Pitter patters of rain started hitting the glass in front of me and my vision start to get blurry. I hear a shuffling of feet behind me and I turn around.

I see her get up from the armrest of my sofa where she has sought for support when she started bawling in front of me a while ago. Was it just awhile ago? It felt like forever since I let her in my apartment, all disheveled and eyes rimmed with dark kohl. Or what used to be dark kohl. Now it's just an unsightly smudge of black darkening her flawless face.

"I know I shouldn't have come here. I know I didn't have the right to even ask you this after... After I left. But I need to keep sane, James. At least for my family. I'm slowly dying inside. I can't work anymore and you know very well I can't let my job down. My mom... My mom needs me."

I kept my eyes on hers as she continues talking. I can't form the words but I needed to see her eyes. I can at least indulge like this, right?

"Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life. But I had to do it."

I see her slowly compose herself. Still the silly woman that I know. All defense now crumbling but still strong enough to stick to her words. Basically one of the many things that made me gravitate towards her.

She was at the top of her game when I met her. The lioness of her pack. She made sure she got everything in control. She's got everyone at her mercy. Even me. The wolf that tried to infiltrate her circle. I wasn't left unscathed when she decided I was a threat to her. She guarded all corners, every nook and cranny of her being. But the ever sly wolf in me wouldn't have it. She's the queen and I needed her for myself.

It was a game of "Let's see who falls in love first" initially. No one was letting up and before we knew it we were way too deep in this void. We tried to stray away from flowery words and as always, we made sure to try to outdo the other. It has always been a game until we realized we didn't really care anymore who wins.

It wasn't a perfect relationship. Outsiders may even think we were too technical to make this whole "love" thing work. But we made it. Four years and we decided it was time to finally put an end to the chase. At 27, we knew it was now or never. We were getting married.

Then it happened.

Her mom got really sick and needed thorough care. With no one to take care of her, she decided to drop everything and started zoning in on her mother's needs.

***

She was at their kitchen when I came in to check in on them one afternoon. I brought groceries and placed them on top of the counter. I see her hands tighten around the spatula she was holding and I make my way towards her. Two steps in and she dropped a bomb in my face.

"I can't marry you anymore."

I stopped in my tracks and felt my knees go weak. Still, I kept a straight face. It must have been a good day for her mom and now she's in a good mood so for some fucked up reason she chose to joke about this. Fine. Ha. Ha.

"Very funny. So what are you cooking?"

She drops the spatula on her hand and turned to face me.

"I mean it, James."

"Nadine, love. You know you weren't really much of a comedienne. But I'll laugh since I love you." I put my arms on her hips and tried to catch her eyes. Tears are now threatening to fall from them. I grit my teeth hard.