she wasn't sure she knew what was right anymore.
her heart, her head, her eyes hurt, they were spinning, her breath was too fast, too rapid, too sporadic, too loud. her feelings were annoyed, stirred up, as agitated as the red skin around her eyes from the salt and water pouring from her eyes.
the lump in her throat couldn't get any bigger, and she let more tears drop onto her inflamed skin.
"God.." she whispers, in the dead of the night, only the light of her phone screen lighting up her broken face.
she apologizes furiously, she tried so hard and failed again, but at this point she doesn't know how to try or what to do, she just needs someone to hold her and push her away and to break her, but to completely heal her.
she needs words she doesn't know, she needs love but won't accept it.
"i'm sorry.." falls from her heart and dirty lips, shaking as her hands begin to shake and sweat, growing clammy as she sees her mistakes.
rocking back and forth, begging for pain but to be healed, her soul is tearing her in two, but she tries to take it, take the pain and deal with it,
because there shouldn't be pain, she shouldn't feel pain, it is self inflicted, it is self caused, but it doesn't make it any less real.
she begs for help but can't let go, she longs for affection but doesn't know how to accept it, she longs for peace, for relationship with her God, with her family, one that isn't as scarred and wrecked as her heart, she wrecked it.
she wrecked it, she wrecked everything, and she can't take it, she doesn't understand, her hands clench around the handfuls of stress placed on her body, the lumps of fat that only she sees, the ones she contributes to by binging, by giving up and not trying but at the same time trying so hard it hurts.
and
i
don't
know
what
to
do
how do you fix your heart if you're the one who shattered it in the first place?
