06/19/19
00:00
i need to let go
stop holding on to people and things i know aren't good for me
focus on the toxicity of my own mind instead of worrying about others and how i could help heal them when i can't even get up the courage to tell myself to walk past someone
because i'm afraid
i'm so afraid
i feel small and alone.
that might be because of the sleep deprivation i force upon myself
it might be the years of anxiety and depression
it might be the bullying—
it might be the way i pushed away my family and my friends
because i hated seeing how much i hurt them.
maybe i hate myself because of these
maybe i do because i made my mother cry
my father
my sister
maybe i do because i watched our family break because of me
fight
maybe it's the bad habits i have
like shoving everything down
not letting myself deal with it when it actually happens
letting it come up days to years later only to destroy everything i carefully built back up after the last heartbreak
from the last boy
from the last cruel word
from the looks
did i ever tell you i don't remember half of high school
because my mind blocked it out
only sometimes my mind forgets to have mercy on me
and she puts all the painful ones back to replay over and over in an awful loop that doesn't stop
i lay in my bed and squeeze my eyes shut
hot tears feel good against my skin
everytime i think i get better i get worse
i wish i could be different.
