Disgrace

Haunting Memories

Chapter-5

" Fire ! - Fire-- there is fire in the house!" , strange alien faces screamed pointing their fingers at the auburn mansion in sight at a few feets away.

I cursed myself while the car ran at a crazy speed. But something at the back of my head told me this has happened before--that this was just a repeatation-- like a film rolling over and over again, like a million times I have seen the fire and like a million times I have tried to prevent it in vain. And doesn't matter how hard I try, like those million times it would be another failed attempt and I wouldn't be able to stop this!

My heart throbbed in my chest as I pushed through the gate. Several times I fell in my attempt, still I ran like a madman forgetting that the house was on fire-forgetting that I could burn myself-forgetting everything, even the fact that it was beyond my reach. As though my heart refused to accept that no matter what I do I can't stop what has already been done. It cannot change the past.

And although my eyes searched door after door, a voice kept ringing my ears-

- "I've had your favourite cake, ready!" and then another voice sparking with enthusiasm --
"hurry up, will you ? I'm on my way!"

and suddenly my eyes were burning. An aching pain lurched through my head but deep inside it knew it was not physical but a nagging guilt that drew me like a blood craved worm, every night sucking till I fell hollow. And utterly alone.

Then the red burning flames consumed me as I watched the faces I love in agony, looking at me for help.

And then it was nothing but a black hole that sucked me in its vortex !

**************

Nothing can change my fate now. Not the hours--nor the days or the years!
I was a broken doll. I am fated to rot in hell through eternity.

Why?

Because it is my destiny!

Yes now I feel-even I believe it was my destiny for everything that has happened to me. Maybe it was all tuned to happen since it had plans for me. Perhaps it had plans to make me crave for death, something a girl like me couldn't have imagined a few days back.

But I do now. Every minute every second I want nothing but to end my suffering. Besides considering the demon I was going through, It won't hurt much. Would it ?

But I don't. I don't because I don't like to flee as a coward! Fighting has been always my nature and now it was my mission. My purpose was to survive-survive and do what I was supposed to do.

But Alas! The nightmare won't leave me!

"Do you know the feeling when cruel greedy hands roam--vandalize and instigate insult -- robe you off your soul ?

Do you know how it feels to adhere to a mere toy at the hands that assault and torture you..? hands that throw you into the pit of hell and molest that very nature your soul inherits ?

I do.

And--

It's painful.

And I had to relive that misery every day every moment of my life.
And do I like when I had to undergo that ?

Yet here I lie. . . watching those ghostly faces again!
Every nerve in my body screams. The sorrow that fires my existence comes out as a mere sound of sobs. I could no more identify pleasure from pain. What is happiness I know not. All I am aware of is darkness--intangible . . .dense. . . Darkness. Something that binds me like a ghost, which I would never escape!