Trigger warning: the following contains suicidal thoughts and actions, do not try this ever, if your feeling down, please talk to me or a grown up you trust. Continue with caution.
Child version of Y/n:
I giggled as I kicked my feet back and forth swinging next to Saeyoung, holding hand with a cheerful grin. It was a Saturday morning and the sky was a perfect shade of blue. The sky was clear, the clouds puffy like cotton candy. The beautiful red birds flew gracefully above us. The best day for a play date.
As we swung side by side, our legs swinging gently back and forth as we rocked, a butterfly landed on say-say's nose, something about it was so majestic, something that would be seen in dreams or wonderlands, I giggled and watched it flutter its wings slowly. Saeyoung was blushing happily and watched the butterfly with crossed eye's. The butterfly flew off, fluttering over to mine. I observed it going crossed eyed as well to see it in full focus. It had one burgundy wing while the other a vibrate blue.
Current Y/n:
I sobbed into my couch throw pillow, my nose runny and the pillow would be covered in snot and salty tears. All my emotions were overcoming me, my thoughts pressuring me into the darkest corner and pinning me there to never escape, binding me to the darkness.
"Just kill yourself already, your worthless and no one cares about you, silly girl."
"No, I refuse to accept this, I have my family and Say-Say" I said out loud to my thoughts, this had become a routine, speaking to myself in the dark. The static was the only other sound while the dim glow of my TV was the only light given. Even though no one could hear me or was truly speaking, it was the only social interactions I would allow myself. I had pushed everyone away, only to text them with small and simple updates.
"They don't care about you, what have they ever done for you? Huh? Don't you think if they truly cared they'd of come here to see, try to meet up with you? I know why they haven't... because they couldn't give a damn."
I looked down at my lap, a lump forming in my throat as I thought about it, why haven't they tried to force themselves into my apartment? They use to be so protective... Now it's like they don't even care. My breath hitches, my heart feeling heavy like a ten pound weight was on it, or like the oxygen was being slowly sucked out of the room.
"Good girl... See? They don't cared. They probably faked I before and only put up with you till they could finally find the opportunity to ditch you completely. The only time they were being genuine was when they said left you."
Tears streamed down my face as I stared at my lap, I'd get up slowly and walk to the bathroom, sitting myself in the floor, holding my knees close to my chest as I hiccuped with small sobs. My eyes puffing up as I whimpered to myself.
"Go ahead Y/N, do it. Burn yourself or cut. Do it, I know you can do it, that you want to. Give them the performance they want, give them the ending they want. Give them everything they've ever desired from you."
I sobbed more as hiccups erupted from my throat once more, I took my switchblade out the counter drawer and flipped it open as I began to run it across my skin, blood seeming out from the first layer of skin, it was too late. Once I started I couldn't stop myself. Every cut got deeper, bled more. Eventually my arms were covered in cuts that I had gone over and over again making deeper.
"Finish it off Y/N, come on, there are a bottle full of sleeping pills in that drawer. It will be a simple and easy death, I promise. You're so miserable Y/N, don't you just want to sleep always?"
