You never know how bad someone hurts you until you see that person moving on. Exactly what I did with this guy..Not only did he lead me to believe he really cared about me, but he broke my heart..Not once. Not twice, but three times! I know y'all thinking "bitch you gotta be the dumbest woman on Earth" but trust me if you knew who he was and how he makes women feel you wouldn't even ask why. Now I understand why people say "don't get attached" . Losing the one that you love is one of the hardest things you can possibly do. They've told you over and over again that they love you, but when it's time for the guy to prove just how much he claims to love you, they always disappoint you. I've gotten to the point where I don't trust when a guy says that they love me. They use that four letter word to try and get what they really want but when they see that you're not the type to give in so easily, all they do is go find someone that will. Which is a damn shame if you ask me! But anyways, i dont even know what hurt me the most... The fact that men always say things they don't mean, or the fact that I thought he was different . You think you know someone so well and you don't really understand when you're looking in on a situation from on the outside, so you're thinking to yourself, "why are they single?" , "why is it so hard for them to keep a woman?" . Believe me, everything happens for a reason . I started to understand why he was so lonely, and why he was hurting so badly . It's because he'd been hurt in the past and was now trying to avoid getting too attached to someone, even if it meant hurting that person . But as I always say, don't let the love for your ex keep you from being loyal to your next . Everybody moves on at some point in life, and it's not always the change that we expect to happen throughout our lives. But God has a plan for you and he'll never put you through anything that you can't handle . Yes I loved him, I loved him with all my heart.. But I realized that I wanted to be happy, happy with someone who wanted to be happy with me. Not someone who only wanted a one night stand because they were lonely or wanted me to be their fuck buddy until they got tired of me and found someone else. And I realized that I wasn't being fair to myself.. Always bending the rules a little bit, just because I cared about him so much . Letting him treat me the way he wanted to. I don't take any bullshit from any guy...but with him I always made excuses for the things he did and the ways he acted . I was blind to all the bs he's ever done to hurt me! And I realized that every single time he came back into my life, I always let him back in . Knowing that things would eventually be just as they once were, but I didn't care..I was just enjoying the moments I had with him while it lasted . See, he always played the victim role. I'm always the one trying to repair what's been broken..I'm always the reason we aren't speaking . I'm always the blame for his problems as if I'm the only bitch that's in his life. Because in his eyes, he's never wrong; just stubborn as hell (which I expected since he's a Scorpio) . See, Scorpio men don't like being vulnerable and they certainly don't want to be hurt or taken advantage of. When they've been hurt in the past, it takes them a long time to recover fully and therefore they don't want to risk such pain again. In one way, yeah that is beneficial because it prevents you from getting too deeply involved with the wrong people. But it can be equally harmful because it can also cause you to avoid the right people - even when you're in a committed relationship. And that's exactly what he was doing to me! Until I finally got to the point where even though I valued our relationship, I couldn't do it anymore. To him, we were nothing but friends of course. But to me I felt that there was always something more. I felt as if he was the one. You spend your whole life searching for someone special and when you start to realize that you may have found it...it's gone . I remember crying myself to sleep on those nights when we were ignoring each other, for whatever reason . Just thinking how things would be so much different if only his feelings were as deep as mines.. But I guess I was wrong . I guess I was wrong about it all; especially about him . I'm only writing this shit because it's something that I've held in for too long and I know that if I don't let it all out, he'll just always be on my mind - definitely not something I want . I remember when I had a good man; he was great man to me actually . He treated me like his Queen, I loved that about him . He never disrespected me, he always listened to me, he wasn't the cheating type, and he actually cared about me. He was definitely a keeper, but I practically ruined that relationship. Stuck on stupid for the other guy. You'd think that if some know hurt you this bad you'd be over their ass by now. But somehow I wasn't, i dont know if that's because I missed how things used to be between us or if it was just love . I was just stuck in the past. Hoping for something to happen that I know never will . Loving a man who doesn't even show his love for me. But I'm a strong woman and I know that I deserve so much better, but I guess when you're in love you ignore all the signs . I've never given anyone as many chances as I've given him. Do I regret giving him those chances? Sometimes.. But I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. And if it wasn't for me giving him that chance the day we met, I wouldn't have fallen in love and I wouldn't have learned from making such a terrible mistake. But it is because of those mistakes that I'm a lot wiser now . You can't go blaming other people for the things that go on in your life, because you know it's not their fault . No one can make you do anything...you choose to do those things . Loving this guy was my mistake. A mistake that I'll remember for as long as I live . But, I've forgiven him for hurting me. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I don't wanna hold on to that hurt, and even though he hurt me I had to forgive him . And after I forgave him, I had to forgive myself. The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward. Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny. Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness. Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them. Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it. In the end, you have to choose whether or not to trust someone . You have to accept whatever comes, and the only important thing is that you meet it with the best you have to give. Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. So don't wish it were easier, wish you were better . My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or defeated me; it has only strengthened me. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here now with the power to shape your day and your future. Renew, release, let go. Yesterday's gone. There's nothing you can do to bring it back. You can't "should've" done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day! I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I shall remain!
