The life of Hannah.

Chapter 4, new start

Diary entry - no1, 28th may.
The day after mums funeral.

It was mum's funeral yesterday.. I keep thinking this is all a dream, that she'd walk through the door pissed and tell me that I'm her baby girl and that one day she'll get better.
Only that 'one day' never came. I miss my mum. I hated her for the crap she dragged me through, but she still tried and no one can ever discredit her for that.

We always had a thing about black roses, something we actually shared in common.
I placed one on her coffin, along side a note saying:
"Love you always mum - Hankins"

Hankins was something she always called me, especially when she was showing forms of affection. Eg- "I love you Hankins."

Not many people attended the funeral, but I still needed the closure and the chance to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes, but I never expected it to be this hard. I don't really know how to feel anymore since mum passed. All I've done is cry and mope around like a lost, lonesome puppy. I know it's still fresh and I'm grieving hard, but I don't know what I'm going to do from now? Most of the people I cherished are gone and they aren't ever coming back.

Since being a little girl, I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. Your boyfriend cheated on you? It's a lesson that you need to be taught, whether it's loyalty, to resist temptation, to pick yourself back up. Life is harsh and people are the worst bit about it. You build a relationship, spend every ounce of energy, time, effort that you possibly can, for them to just either pass away or abandon you.

The sun ain't going to stop shining honey and the world isn't going to stop turning. Our current being is still an evolutionary process that we're witnessing every single day - only it's slow enough for us to miss it.
We're born to reproduce, make memories, create feelings and experience life.

Pfft. Then we die.

Moral of the story- the only person you can count on is yourself. You're born alone and you die alone. Life goes on - whether you're actually living it or just existing.
All that's left is to create new memories and find something new.
My biggest fear is turning into my parents - I want to better myself, but right now, I'm stuck in an endless black void that consumes every ounce of energy my body conveys. I need to get out and do something different, in a new area. Evie said I could either go into foster care, or find a close friend who'd be willing to take on my troubled ass.

If I'm honest, the very first person I thought about contacting was Josey, but I don't want to burden him or his family with my problems.
His dad is a lawyer and his mum is a psychotherapist, pretty different from mine hey?

Dead and even more dead.

"Hannah, what happened to your mum is inevitable and something you can't change. You need to move on and make her proud. I've got every faith in you."
I glanced up and flashed her a short smile.
Something I've grown to admire about Evie is her ability to inspire you,
And well,
the way she stares into your soul. You can't ever lie when Evie's around.
"Hey quit staring at me.." I said, uncomfortable. "I really don't know what to do right now "
"Go on?"
"Well.." I began, "either ask Josey if I can stay with him, or I'm gonna have to go into foster care. I can't go back, not after what happened last time. I don't even know his parents properly - he lives hours away and who says his parents even have to take me on? I haven't even rang him yet."
She looked directly into my eyes - I could tell she was about to get serious. "He's your best friend and he doesn't even know what's going on?"
I slowly put my head down, shamefully. "I didn't want to burden him, but do you think I should ring him?"
"Of course I think you should, you need him right now."
----
Josey's P.O.V
The number you are dialling is currently switched off. Why is her phone always off? "Come on Hannah, turn on your phone." I shouted, frustrated. She needs me right now and she's going to think I've let her down.
"J, is she still not answering? Why can't she go with anyone else? She doesn't have to come here. She's going to think it's a permanent thing." Said Jasmine, out of anger.
"Babe.." I started, "it IS a permanent thing. You don't know Hannah; she doesn't even know who you are and she's not going to accept you immediately, you're gonna have to give her time. She's been through a lot"
Jasmines head jerked back like she'd been slapped.
"What the fuck are you trying to say? That she's going to dislike me? Well I'm your girlfriend, and I'm here no matter what, whether she likes me or not. We come as a package."
"Listen you don't have to argue with me about it, she's my fucking best friend, she might live miles away right now but she'll be here soon and you're gonna have to accept her. Both ME and my family will always be here for her. She's not going through anymore of this on her own."

"Not a chance."