Inamorato (Niam Horayne) (BoyxBoy)

2: You All Mean A Lot To Me

"What do you want to talk about?" Niall asks Zayn as they sit cramped in Zayn's bunk. It's dark and they have to bend their backs in order to sit. Zayn lies down and looks at the top of the bunk.

"It's easy to talk to you." Zayn says as though avoiding Niall's question, "Louis will only give me a cigarette to smoke my problems away. Liam will try to keep us all together, and happy, even though it isn't like that anymore. And Harry will tell me to do whatever my heart tells me. I feel that only you will give me the right answer, Niall."

Niall feels some kind of sadness wave over him, as though he knows what Zayn is to say and he lies down beside his bandmate.

"So what is it?" He asks eventually, glancing at Zayn although it is dark in the bunk and he can only just make out his silhouette.

Zayn sighs, "I can't do it anymore." His eyes remain fixed on the ceiling, as though he is unable to look away.

"Do what?" Niall says, even though he is sure he knows and it makes him feel like crying.

"The band, the management, everything." His voice cracks, "I'm so tired of everything Ni. I just- I love you and the boys and the fans but the music- I can do so much more on my own. I'm not myself anymore."

Zayn is crying, Niall notices when he turns to him in the small bunk, and he wraps his arm around him. Zayn holds him too, swallows tears even though they wre already streaming down his cheeks.

"I want to leave the band." Zayn speaks eventually, his hand running through Niall's hair and Niall is unsure who it is meant to comfort more.

Niall is quiet for a few minutes, and he listens to Zayn's quickened, anxious heartbeat.

"E-even if we take a break after tour?" Niall asks.

"I'm sorry." Is all Zayn replies and it does not take a genius to know that means yes, "I just want to be me. And make my own music. I never really wanted to be in a band you know? I'm my own person."

Niall nods against Zayn's chest because he does understand that every song Zayn has written has been disapproved by producers and it truly isn't fair. "Then you should leave, Zayn." He says, "You should be yourself and you should be happy." And Niall thinks that this is exactly what Harry would say.

Zayn falls silent at this, and he drops his hand from his friend's hair.

"I don't want to hurt you guys, or the fans but I need to be alone, and be myself." Zayn says, "Am I a bad person if I hurt you?"

"You won't hurt us Z. We'll understand." Niall glances up at him and wipes the tears from Zayn's cheeks.

"But the fans- I'll film a message for them. I want them to understand too."

Niall nods and sits back up, "Whatever you decide, Z. We are all here for you."

Zayn nods and smiles weakly, "Thank you Ni." He places a hand on Niall's shoulder, "I want you to remember and I want you to know that you all mean a lot to me, Ni. Whatever happens, whatever stupid things I may do, I love you all so much."

-- (I'm crying too it's okay)--

It is over a week later, mid March, when Zayn tells the others. They are gathered in the tour bus on their way to the airport having finished their show at Singapore. They are heading to Thailand next.

Niall remembers where they all sit. Louis is sitting beside Zayn, and he is on the sofa opposite, between Harry and Liam. Liam has an arm round him because of course the others know about them by now and did no more than blink when they told them. But Niall is not sure how they will react as Zayn sits there uncomfortably, the boys on the edge of their seats waiting for him to speak, and Louis smiling up at him with only the last of his light in his eyes,