The first new years Eve I had gotta off of work later. I drove out to his grandmas tired off my ass and in need of caffeine. I couldn't sleep in his house yet so we sat at his grandmas until after New year's.
I remember being so tired. I just wanted to sleep. But I stay there so late I was too tired to drive home.
We slept, well I slept in the car.
The next day he told me he needed me so much last night. He needed me awake and talking with him. He was depressed.
I felt guilty but I was so tired. I had worked. I had driven out there. He had done stuff like that for me though. He stayed with me till dawn some nights when I couldn't stand to be alone. When I was depressed.
And I couldn't be there for him. I wasn't there.
I'm not sure what happened. But I still feel the guilt today.
What if I had stayed awake. Would he have felt better? Would we be stronger? Would it be a good memory? Or would it have ended us? Would we have clashed early?
His love was like fire when I had hypothermia. Or a really good drink I could drown myself in. I didn't want to let him go. So I continued to fight to keep him. I changed myself. My viewed. My needs. I became a better me for that year. Or at least that's what the plan was.
