Aftershocks ➳ Philkas/Eyewitness

01

[Warnings: profanity, drugs, homophobia, alcohol, mentions of death/murder, violence, and eventual smut.]

Episode One: Boa Constrictor

At the moment, Philip doesn't know how to describe his emotions— at least, not in actual words. It's like there's gravel building up in the pit of his stomach. Like there's a boa constrictor coiled around his neck, squeezing his throat like its prey, preventing it from breathing. Like he's going through life in slow motion with a black and white filter, turning everything dull and lethargic.

It's a mixture of many complex feelings, all of which are blatantly miserable.

She's dead, Philip.

He can still hear Helen's soft voice echoing in his brain. He can feel the ghost of her hand resting on his shoulder and the cold stare of her sad, watery eyes as she explained what happened. How Ryan Kane made Anne overdose on heroin, killing her with the one thing she tried so hard to avoid.

Currently, Philip is lying in his bed with wet cheeks, curled up in his blankets like a cocoon. It's warm in the house and he's sweating, but he can't bring himself to take the blankets off. They make him feel safe, almost like a protective barrier. One of them is his mother's favorite quilt and it still smells like her— cigarette smoke and cheap vanilla-scented body spray.

There's a waste basket on the floor filled with a mountain of crumpled tissues. On his bedside table, there's an unopened package of non-prescription sleep aid pills. Helen had purchased them in hopes of helping Philip sleep, but he refused to take any. He just wants to grieve and cry and be alone with his guilt. He doesn't deserve sleep.

He can't stop the never-ending stream of what if questions running through his brain. If Lukas and Philip had come forward about the cabin shooter sooner, maybe Anne would still be alive. Maybe she wouldn't be lying in a morgue right now, cold and lifeless, waiting to be buried in the ground.

Anne was doing so well in rehab. She was actually getting better, and Ryan just destroyed everything she worked so hard towards. It wasn't fair. Life isn't fair.

There's a soft knock on the door. Philip grumbles in protest and covers his head with the quilt, whimpering.

"I'm not hungry," Philip murmurs, voice muffled against his pillow.

Over the past three days, Helen and Gabe have tried to convince him to eat something, stay hydrated, take a shower, and visit Lukas in the hospital. But he just can't.

There's a pause. "It's me."

Philip's heart leaps in his chest at the sound of Lukas's voice, but he doesn't move or say anything. Doesn't have the strength to speak.

"I— they finally let me out of the hospital," Lukas continues, slow and cautious. He sounds quiet through the thick wooden door. "I understand if you don't want to see me, but I just wanted to stop by. I miss you, man."

Philip frowns against his pillow and swallows the lump in his throat. I miss you more, he wants to say, but no words come out. The snake around his neck tightens its grip.

"Helen told me what happened to your mom," Lukas says dryly. "I've been texting you nonstop for days, but..."

His voice fades into silence. Philip chews on the inside of his cheek.