I find myself again in the endless sea of gray. I do know how I got here. I am supposed to be in surgery now but I am in this horrible place again. I have to no other choice than to walk up that hill.
When I get to the top I wait for the voice. His voice. Why isn't his voice here? I look around and notice everything is getting darker. Everything is going from gray to black until I am in total darkness.
I hear everyone's laugh echo through the darkness. ''Dad, why does Jaz get the pink bike?'' I see a ten year old version of me ask a young-looking version of my dad. The Christmas tree is set up and all of Tobia's gifts are the only one's left there.
''Because you said you hate pink.'' He answers.
''No. I said I hated pink bed sheets but I love pink bikes.'' I had also asked for a bike but I had gotten clothes and other toys for Christmas.
''I will share it with you.'' Jaz tells me. I smile and then I hug her even though she hates that.
''I love you sis.'' I tell her.
''I will not hate you if you let go of me now.'' She squirms between my arms until I finally let her go.
A little cute Tobias grabs the blue big box with expectant eyes. When he opens it a smile creeps into his lips. ''Thank you so much!''
The rest of the day the five of us stay in the living room drinking hot chocolate until Jaz and I go outside to use the bike.
''Why are you sharing your bike with me?'' I ask. My sister has always been protective of her stuff, especially with me.
''I don't know, I mean you're my sister. And who is going to show me how to use it anyway?''
I stick out my tongue and place her on the seat. I spend an hour trying to teach her but in the end I only get her to manage to go a few feet before she wobbles and I have to run to get her.
''I know how to ride a bike!'' She says, her cheeks flushed and her tone excited. I laugh because there's no way that she is ready to go on her own. I help her down and get on the bike. I ride it slowly while she chases behind me stretching her arms like a plane.
We arrive at a lake and sit on the edge trying to catch our breaths. ''You're the best sister.'' She tells me.
''No, you are.''
''I know.'' She jokes. ''But I don't know what I would do without you.'' She always has those moments where she sounds more mature than she should.
''You never will know Jaz, because I'll always be there for you.'' I tell her circling her little, thin body with my arms.
''Promise me that you won't leave me Ciara.'' She says looking at me with her brownish-green eyes. I remember five years ago her hair looked blond but it's getting darker as she grows up.
''I promise J.'' I wrap my pinkie around hers and we just stay there until it starts to get dark and we race back home. Before we go in I know what will happen so I stop right at the entrance of the door.
"I don't want to leave you J.'' I tell her.
''You won't, but you have to go now.'' She smiles at me and a portion of memories flow into my mind. ''Now you'll always remember.''
