Day one. Not happy. I was excited. HEY ITS A NEW YEAR, kinda mood. But it's 3:09 am & I'm like what the fuck is the point anymore. I don't see why we should mark years. Life will just be shitty no matter what. But let's talk about a few things, I went to my uncle robs wake the other day ( two days ago) & well.. I did probably the thing I shouldn't have done. I kept staring at him. It was an open casket wake. & I was like I'll be fine. But seeing him like that. So, colorless. I never thought that's how I'd see a family member for the first time in 6 years. Dead & colorless. I knew it would fuck me up. & no ones cared. I mean my mom does. But no one has asked hey are you okay? & if they ask it's not for that reason. They don't care. I said I would be a selfish bitch 2017. But I'll still my my broken ass self. That's all I will ever be. I don't talk to people because I used to post on snapchat a lot. Stuff I wanted to tell people but didn't do it directly. I figure if they replied then maybe I'll talk to them. & someone did reply. Saying do I always have to post stuff for attention & so I'm like :-) nope just won't talk about myself. & if I do talk negative about myself to someone it's not for along.
Anyway it's late. I might update later. If you stay alone till the end, I thank you. I know I am boring & this would get annoying. Hope you guys have better luck with your 2017 then I have so far😂😂
So I went to sleep, after I woke up I don't remember how I felt. I looked at my phone, I had forgotten I unblocked Gerrett to say Happy New Years, he replied with "what the fuck Kayla " as a joke. I had a feeling so I kinda joked back & said what a nice New Years something I don't really remember. I was like haha what a nice way to greet someone for a new year😂 I had other people message me but it was new for him I guess. We aren't friend & so don't talk anymore. I like Amy, but I know I need to move on. So I was like. I like Jordan. So I'll focus on him. I'm not looking for a relationship at all. But doesn't mean I can't like people right? Amy keeps forgetting I like her & we are better off friends so I'd rather not have feelings. Better for the both of us. You know given that the person who was once the love of my life is now in love with her lol. Probably a clear sign that it wouldn't work😂😂. Jordan keeps wanting to go to the mall, but I say I can't. Mainly because my mom sleeps durning the day or try's to. Or she's working. Or my sisters over. But I also say I can't like I sometimes ask but sometimes don't because I'm scared to go to the mall. I feel like it would be weird. & I don't wanna waste my mom's gas. But he asked, if we went to the mall if it would be a date & I'm like oh my!!! I giggled!!! GIGGLED!!! I laugh I chuckle but I don't giggle. This isn't okay😂 so that was a good part of my day!! Not so good, I stopped myself mid conversation from talking to Gerrett. I was like I can't talk to him. We can't be friends it's not good for us you know, & I'm just like I'm worried. I'm worried he's going to have a melt down & no one will be there for him. It's not that I don't care it's just I'm so scared of getting hurt. He doesn't mean to hurt me, but I'm a fragile little one. I get hurt easy when I care about someone & I definitely care about him. Which is why I wouldn't talk to him. Not only for my best interest but for his. But I'm scared so I'm stuck. I'm trying my hardest to let go but a part of me keeps fighting back!! Although I will admit ever since I made the decision not to be friends with him my view on Amy has definitely changed, other then the fact that I like her. But I guess it was an okay first day. I kinda do wanna go to the mall with Jordan though. He makes me really happy. I'm just scared that things wouldn't end well. But I'm not going to jump into dating. I mean, if you go on a few dates does that mean you guys are dating? I hope not. Because I would like to hang out with him, alone granted. But I don't wanna rush into dating. But I would like, if we did date, to actually do it right. Go out on dates before we declare each other girlfriend & boyfriend. I'm a very confusing person. But I guess I just wanna play it safe, which is okay but playing it safe drives my generation of people away. & Jordan is a great guy & I don't wanna lose him. I mean he seems like he will be around for a long while, even after I was a complete bitch to him we became friends. Which I still feel very very bad for being a jerk towards him in school. I heard he cheated on a friend & I got mad. I didn't hear any side of the story. But really he's a sweet guy. & trust me, being in school really clogs your view on some one because you have all these other opinions from others that you can't feel someone out for yourself. & now that I got the time to actually get to know him & befriend him I actually like him. It's amazing how being homeschooled changes things. & guess what!!! We are looking at open & enrollment so that means mom's trying not to get me to go to Elyria high which I don't wanna go to either & what school does open & enrollment!! His school!!! I'm getting way to excited anywho I'm updating at 3:44 am so I'll see you guys in the next chapter in 12 hours hope you had a great new year!!!
